Ludicrous Speed: Crazy Stories Orbiting Star Wars

The upcoming release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens brings fanfare, marketing, spoilers, interviews, nostalgia, and anticipation.  It also brings a fair amount of ridiculous stories, fan theories, accusations about the Hollywood agenda, and merchandising tie-ins.


The Hollywood Agenda

Finn and Rey / Star Wars
Finn (John Boyega) and Rey (Daisy Ridley)
Photo: Disney / Lucasfilm

Daisy Ridley (Rey) and John Boyega (Finn) are the stars of the newest entry in the Star Wars saga.  They have also become targets in different corners of the internet. There have been various blog posts about how John Boyega is the vehicle to insert ‘political correctness’ into Star Wars or that Daisy Ridley is representative of how Hollywood ‘hates’ men now. I’m sure J.J. Abrams, while writing and directing one of the most anticipated films of this decade, is looking to shame white men everywhere by *gasp* casting characters that fit his story best. There has also been some weird division among fans about which of the two characters are more important to the story of this new film, as if there is some sort of prize to be won. The recent reveal that Captain Phasma (Gwendoline Christie) was originally a male character has also raised ire from some internet loudmouths.


Sins Of Omission

Ever since the first trailer for The Force Awakens premiered, one of the main questions has been ‘Where is Luke Skywalker?’ We hear his voice, but he is not seen in any of the trailers or TV spots leading up to the release. This has given rise to a number of theories about the status of Luke. Some say he has gone to the Dark Side and that he is the films’ REAL villain.  Some say Luke is already dead, having been killed or died prior to the start of the new film and may appear as a force ghost, like Obi-Wan. One of the more popular theories is that Luke is the father of one of the new characters introduced, which would make sense, considering the films have been about the Skywalker family.


Fate Of The Falcon

The fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy is easily one of the hallmarks of the Star Wars series. It has made appearances in the trailer but what has happened since the end of Return Of The Jedi? The initial feeling is that Han Solo is no longer in possession of the ship that made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs, or at least hasn’t flown her in quite some time. Who is in the pilot’s seat? Will she be turned over to one of the new characters? Did the hyperdrive ever get fixed?


Who needs a lightsaber when you have licensing rights?

Star Wars Coffee Mate
For those who like their coffee on the light side of the Force

If you are waking up in the morning, getting your coffee, checking the internet, or just living in general, you know that a Star Wars movie is coming.  Coffee creamer, jewelry, make up, car commercials, insurance, ESPN highlights, and cookware. You name it, there is a Star Wars logo or tie-in associated with it. Some of the more visible ones are a tie-in with Dodge, CoverGirl, and Coffee-Mate. If one has a choice between an X-Wing Fighter and a mid life crisis Dodge Charger, is it really all that hard of a decision?

When a Star Wars movie comes out, the movie is but a part of the experience. Whatever happens, it’s bound to be better than Jar Jar Binks.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens releases nationwide on December 18th.



Mat Douglas
Mat Douglas
From Connecticut, that state between New York and Massachusetts, he enjoys well-made cookies, sarcasm, and Liverpool FC.