Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Holy talk. I mean seriously. Talk. Then some action, talk, talk talk. Spider-Man has been shot! SCENE!
I am fairly sure that is how Bendis wrote this script. In all seriousness yet another issue goes by without Miles in costume (except for on the cover), and not only that the issue is still set “Months Ago.” I get that Bendis wants us to care about the character of Miles, but for godsakes, nothing happens. The book is mostly just dialogue between Miles and his friend Ganke, about how Miles doesn’t want powers, and Ganke thinks it is the coolest thing that his best friend has Spider powers. I mean, I really feel like I am listening to a bunch of kids having a conversation, which I guess to be fair is the point, right Bendis? I guess you want to prove that you can write any character even a couple of 14-year-old kids.
Long story short, nothing really happens, you find out Miles’ Uncle Aaron aka Ultimate Prowler moved suddenly from his apartment and left it abandoned. Miles reluctantly saves a kid from a fire, and then freaks out about how he doesn’t want to be a hero, argues with his friend, starts school, and finds out Spider-Man has been shot. (Since this is set “Months Ago” this is taking place right around Death of Spider-Man took place. Stuff needs to start happening, I’m not sure I can handle one more issue without this guy getting into costume. It’s fine that he wants to give us back story to make us care about the characters and such, but do it in a flashback. This is Spider-Man not American Splendor. I think. Unless American Splendor is nothing like I remembered. My recommendation, read this one in the shop. Save your $3.99. Not that I need to repeat it again, but Sarah Pichelli’s art is still gangbusters. Can’t wait to see what she does with some “Action.” Ahem.
This issue starts at a break neck pace. Batwoman and her cousin / sidekick are in the middle of breaking up a robbery on a routine patrol night. Immediately you are taken back at how amazing the art is in this book. There is a sense of rhythm and pacing to the brawl that makes you stare in awe at each page. J.H uses a very cool X-Ray technique showing you the bone structure of each robber as they get punched , kicked and chopped by Kate and her cousin. We find out that Bruce has invited Batwoman to join Batman INC. and she has yet to make up her mind whether she should or not. The back and forth banter between the two siblings is a very typical way our writers catch us up to speed on the events of last issue . Cut to Detective Sawyer who is rudely greeted by D.E.O Cameron Chase. Chase wants Batwoman unmasked under her custody . She takes a few more swipes at Sawyer and then leaves her card with her urging her to contact her if she hears anything.
The writers choose to flesh out Kate’s Character a bit more this issue . Having her go out on her first date with Detective Sawyer , who is unaware that Kate and Batwoman are one and the same . The date goes well and it is nice to see Kate a bit playful when interacting on the date . She definitely isn’t shoe horned into some cliché lesbian stereotype at all in this book. It’ s nice to see a strong female lead character who isn’t just your typical run of the mill heroine. I think whats really interesting is that from my perspective Kate Kane and Bruce Wayne are a lot alike . Both heroes tend to be brooding and almost obsessed while wearing the cape and cowl , and self assure and flirtatious in their respective romantic lives.
While this issue is good there are a few things that detract from it being great. There are too many story threads that are left dangling . Towards the end they throw two other possible villains in an already crowded book . I’m worried that this will hurt the story down the line unless they find a way to pull a few of these characters together by next issue. Towards the end of the issue we see Detective Sawyer breaking down a crime scene involving two warring gangs with D.E.O Cameron Chase . One group has a storied past with Kate and the others loyalties remain to be seen. Later that night Batwoman breaks into Detective Sawyers file cabinet and learns the last known location of the weeping woman. She escapes out of a window and Detective Sawyer has no choice but to call D.E.O Chase to alert her that she knows exactly where Batwoman is headed. Kate arrives to the boat house and quickly investigates underneath the dock. The last page makes things look pretty bleak for Kate going into next issue .
J.H. Williams continues to blow me away with his page layouts and choreography
I continue to be amazed month in and out by J.H Williams amazing art . He truly is in a league of his own when it comes to layouts , and being able to tell a clear story in new and inventive ways. However his writing alongside Blackman needs some work. They have established a strong set of characters in this book. Now they have to narrow their focus on telling a less cluttered story. This again is my only complaint with an otherwise strong effort from both creators.
Monocyte #1
Written by Kasra Ghanbari, Menton Matthews III.
Two warring immortal races rule a scarred world where time has no meaning. Death (Azrael) sits impotent, quietly planning his restoration. He summons Monocyte, a forgotten immortal necromancer who long ago chose sleep in his failed quest to die. With a fatal pact sealed, Monoctye strikes out as Azrael’s vicious proxy. Art by menton3 (ZvR: Aventure, Silent Hill) and co-written by Kasra Ghanbari.
Review Score: 8/10 Monocyte is a four issue bi-monthly series. Right away when you pick up the book you will notice that Matthews’ art style works for the genre of story that he and Ghanbari are telling. This dark future of immortal races with “Death” knocking on the door.
The first issue introduces all the main characters of the story and gives you a glimpse of the action to come. This is a non-traditional comic book with some pages letting the artwork deliver the story with little to no dialogue. Then there are some pages that are full of information on the characters with one static image. These static pages act as a well-timed break in story telling. The closing passage of Shakespeare’s Henry V adds to the flare of the book. It indicates that there will be a grand scope and not everyone is who they seem.
I gave Monocyte an 8 of 10 because the book needs just a bit more script. The art and concept grabbed me but the script is what will hold me. Matthews and Ghanbari have a solid background in the subject matter and I’m betting that will shine in later issues.
Monocyte is a book that takes a chance at being different and succeeds.
When I read Action Comics #1, I thought, “Huh. [This obscure writer, whoever the hell he is,] is going back to Superman’s roots. Sweet move.” Then, I sat back and looked for bloggers and maybe even newspaper writers to point this out also. I’m not sure if I did this thing symbolically or literally – honestly, I could have put more thought into this whole paragraph, but shit, it’s not like I’m getting paid for it, knowwhatI’msayin? Anyway, I was surprised more than a bit to see nobody mention this, considering that reviewers seem to LOVE talking about characters or artists going back to their roots.
Action Comics #2 came out this last Wednesday, and its backup feature had loads of materiel from Messrs. Morrison and Morales (and seeming Artist-to-be Gene Ha – which, BTW, yay!) talking about, yep, taking Supes Back To His Roots (hereafter abbreviated as BTHR.) Take it away, Laurie Anderson: “And I said, ‘Oh boy. Right. Again.‘”
See? I was right. I called it. Told you so!
The thing is, taking Superman BTHR makes a crazy ton of sense. Why? Because the Man of Steel’s roots, as crafted by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster during the ass-end of the Great Depression, depicted a character who often, if not usually, used his personal power to beset abusers of institutional or collective power. The Man of Tomorrow took the fight to the Haves who gained their perch by stepping on the heads of many of the Have-nots. In other words, he fucked with rich people’s shit.
My favorite holiday is Bastille Day. I bet you won't look it up.
The decision to take Ma & Pa Kent’s boy in this direction is simultaneously somehow an obvious move and a maverick one. Obvious because the disparity between the rich and everybody else (probably everywhere, but for sure in the US of A) is greater than ever – so much so that it would be a meme if eternal things like “The sky is above us” or “The sun rises in the East” or “This Democratic President is disappointingly conservative” could be memes. Maverick because everybody else in the damn world has a depressing tendency to REMOVE socio-economic subtext from their re-imaginings of previous works. For example, the 1975 Norman Jewison film Rollerball, which is set in a future where the world is run by a dictatorship of corporations, was remade in 2002 and set in the present, with corporate dictatorship no longer a major theme. If you weren’t aware, corporations have NOT become less powerful since 1975. Hell, they remade Death Race 2000 (Paul Bartel, 1976) and took out the system of points-gained for running over pedestrians! IS NOTHING SACRED? May as well remake Raging Bull (you should already know who directed this one) and make Jake LaMotta become a fitness nut as he ages.
Of course, writer Grant Morrison probably makes a strong case for the Blue Ribbon – ESPECIALLY among writers working for the Big Two – when it comes to authors who place artistic concerns ahead of financial ones. This is not meant to insinuate that other excellent writers working for DC and Marvel – such as Paul Cornell, Ed Brubaker, Jeffs Lemire and Parker, and many more – are only in it for the money, or that they don’t give everything they have, artistically speaking, to their work. I’m meaning rather to point out that Morrison, by dint of his tenure and sales record in the industry, is nearly unique in his ability to not only bite the hand that feeds him if he so chooses, but also get the X-ray of that bite published. (As an aside, I must apologize en masse to the entire rest of the comics industry who are NOT writers, particularly the pencilers, inkers, colorists, and letterers, whose artistic contributions will probably ALWAYS be under-appreciated in my essays. I do have a tendency, fair or not, to view the writer as the dominant creator of any given comic book. Part of this is cross-contamination from my interest in film and my tendency towards auteur theory, and some of the pro-writer snobbery is surely because I’m a writer and not an illustrator. Anyhow, everybody but writers: sorry!) There are only two or so other writers who can get away with what G-Mo could, but they won’t work for Marvel or DC. Their last names might also begin with the letter ‘M’. (In my dreams, there will come a day when non-comic-book-fans read this because it is MY writing. For those non-existent people, I’m referring to the V For Vendetta / Watchmen guy and the Sin City / 300 guy, those being their best film adaptations and their Zack Snyder movies.)
So. Action Comics #1 ends with Superman knocked out by a runaway subway train, in a bit that actually repurposes the ending of the Gene Wilder/Richard Pryor action comedy Silver Streak (D: Arthur Hiller, 1976 – plus many other collaborators, but fuck ’em, right?) Issue 2 begins with Kal-El a captive of the military (or perhaps more aptly, the military-industrial complex,) getting a shit-ton of torture dropped on him by an industrialist named Lex Luthor. I’d guess this obscure figure is going to play some sort of an ongoing role in the Superman mythos – probably as his best friend or something, unless I miss my guess. The issue title is “In chains,” which is actually reassuring – because we ALL know what Superman does to chains. Morrison knows we know this. It’s been an ongoing theme of Grant Morrison’s, all the way back to his DC debut on Animal Man, to assert that everything that’s ever happened to a character is STILL part of his continuity. This is even true of a character like Animal Man who’d had VASTLY divergent origin stories told about him. Morrison carried it through even to his theoretically-outside-DC-continuity series All-Star Superman (with artist Frank Quitely, inked & colored by Jamie Grant,) where he remained faithful to Superman ideas he had seeded eight years before in the 1998 comic book event “DC One Million.” And he has carried that idea, most vocally, through his amazing run on Batman. In his various Batman titles, Grant Who Never Can’t somehow tied together SEVENTY YEARS worth of retellings of Batman’s origins in the audacious and astonishing The Return of Bruce Wayne series (Rating: 10/10 – holy shit!) – and ALSO referred to “DC One Million!” The balls on this guy! Hell, I can’t even keep continuity straight from the beginning of this fucking paragraph. What I’m getting at, though, is that the man knows his connections, historic, synaptic, and you-name-ic. He has a sense of our collective memory of this, the most important super-hero. No, it’s not Wolverine.
So, Krypton’s last son is getting a-zapped and a-gassed, banged and sassed, slapped in the ass and given a suspended bus pass. Luthor is comically paranoid (he learned his manners from the first Invasion of the Body Snatchers (D: Don Siegel, 1956) about the alien he’s “studying.” Elsewhere, Lois Lane is trying to bum-rush the event by name-dropping her Four-Star-General dad, who works equally hard to stonewall her. Meanwhile, unsexy Lexie is being drawn inconsistently (Christ, Rags, people are paying attention!) and making the bizarrely terrible assumption that Kal-El is the REAL shape-shifter here. As his proof, Lex presents The Man Who Also Be Clark with what looks to be the corpse of a six-legged Krypto, which we infer was found in the rocket that brought Moses Superman to our world. Actually, knowing how G.Mo’s encyclopedic hard-drive runs, the critter is probably straight from some silver-age story called “The Dog That Lois Lane Married!” Speaking of, she does a full page of Exposition And Nothing But with an ex-boyfriend who is going to become Metal-[SPOILER!]-lo, then it’s back to the star as he busts them chains and makes Lex Luthor look like a total pussy. He kicks down vault-doors, finds he cape, and stumbles across the rocket that brought him here for what seems to be his first time seeing it.
He ditches it, busts his way around, and runs into Lois Lane, who on one single page has a meltdown where she can’t decide if she’s Mercedes Ruehl, Fran Drescher, or Nora Dunn (RAGS!) One page of exposition with Future-Metallo [previous word is a spoiler, caution!] and the last page has Lex having a conversation with a spacecraft that never in a million years could turn out to be Brainiac.
So, an action-filled issue that’s mostly set-up and actually doesn’t have jack shit to do with my thesis about the anti-capitalist Superman, until we reach the extra background stuff after the main story. Here we find the perils of not-getting-asked-to-blog-soon-enough. I should’ve probably written this after issue #1. Eh, what can ya do?
Part 2 – Fresh Flesh / Disconnected / No More Nothing
Here’s my pull list for next week: Alpha Flight, Amazing Spider-Man, Baltimore-The Cursed Balls, Batwoman, CBLDF Liberty Annual 2011, Demon Knights, Farts Itself-Hulk v Dracula, FF, Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E., Irredeemable, Morning Glories, Mr. Terrific, New Avengers, Orchid (here’s hoping Tom Morello is half the comics talent that Gerard Way turned out to be), Resurrection Man, S.H.I.E.L.D. (pain in the ass to type. Pedantic note – is alphabetized before the other ‘S’ comics, just like B.P.R.D. leads off the ‘B’s), Ultimate X-Men (I feel kind of bad slagging Nick Spencer’s Iron Man 2.0 work so hard, but to be fair, it IS a piece of shit), Uncanny X-Force, Unexpected, Unwritten, and X-Men: Regenesis. That’s about seventy-five bucks of comics right there, AFTER culling Legion Lost and Greg Rucka’s enormously disappointing return to the two-publisher-system, The Punisher. Some of these are on the cusp, and some are one-offs, but that’s still a LOT of scratch.
Now, the economy is crap right now. I haven’t had a raise in something like five years. I have a mortgage to pay (those are the words that Ed McBain called “The yuppie Nuremburg Defense.”) The entire frickin’ WORLD has to pretend that the USA is someday going to pay off its IOUs somehow, because otherwise everybody everywhere will fall straight through the rainbow of their imaginary money and splatter into soup a mile down. WHY THE HELL would Marvel and DC decide that NOW is the time to increase the number of titles they’re putting out per month? Okay, yeah, everybody else is scrambling and clawing desperately to hold onto the scraps that they still have in their yards, why should comics publishers be any different? Still, I managed to take a 13-year break in my comics-buying before, and I AM pretty damned fond of eating regular meals. Publishers: Pay some goddamn attention to which way the wind is blowing.
My wife claims she sees boobs on this.
Part 3 – Beef Baloney
Spider-Island – The Avengers #1 (of 1)
Writer: Chris Yost Artist: Mike McKone Color Art: Jeromy Cox Only Letterer Employed By Marvel: VC’s Joe Caramagna
Review Score 8.5/10
I’m glad I haven’t recently suggested that Marvel and DC should be making fewer comics, because having random blasts of fun like this one drop on my head from out of nowhere is what makes reading comic books such a pleasure. While the Marvel Comics-Events-Up-The-Ass Blitz has tied the Avengers, the New Avengers, and the Secret Avengers to Fear Itself, and will likely lead to X-Men: Schism: The Avengers: Sub-Schism, this here little shamma-lamma is just goofy as all get out and almost makes all that other self-serious crap worthwhile. Beyond that, this little floppy has the most inventive use of captions as a comedy device that I may have EVER seen in a comic. AND, its characters don’t look like their heads are shape-shifting every flippin’ panel. Memo to Mike McKone: Rags Morales’ riches are rightfully yours.
In my last article I threw a heap of praise on both Swamp Thing and Animal Man and I’m happy to report that EVERYONE who enjoys comics and Horror movies should be reading these two books. I’ll go further and say you should be reading these books back to back one after another because something amazing is happening here . You may not see it yet but both books have a connection. They are both bringing back Alan Moores’ amazing concept of Totems/Avatars to Swamp Thing and the DCU in a big way. The Green representing mans’ connection to all things that are green such as foliage , plants , trees…. you get the idea. The Black which represents mans’ connection to Death and Barren land and finally the Red which represents mans’ connection to animals. Now bring on the Reviews!
The Green: A Love Story
Swamp Thing#2
Story: Scott Snyder
Art: Yanick Paquette
Review Score: 9
Right off the bat we get answers in this issue , tons and tons of answers. The first half of the book is spent establishing what the current Swamp Thing is and why hes coming back for Alec Holland in the first place . We get reintroduced to Alan Moores’ concept of The Parliament of Trees which leads to Scott Snyder establishing that there has been more than one Swamp Thing.
Here’s the catch Alec Holland was never apart of that Legacy. You see his chemical accident that killed him and created the Swamp Thing we all knew from the late 80’s happened…well it kind of happened . Scott slips into the past history of both characters and only slightly tweaks a few things to make his take feel completely fresh and new. You will feel sorry for the big Green lug and conflicted with both characters as a big choice lies ahead from their conversation.
Yanick Paquettes’ art again stands out as the work that I believe will move his career into Superstar status as an artist. He can draw images that make you feel sorrow and pain on one page and have you freaking out and sick to your stomach the next. His pacing and use of space is impeccable and his line work is made that much stronger by the inks . This is a book about Monster’s first and foremost and he lets his imagination run wild . By the end of this book if you don’t have night mares at the thought of someone chasing you with a broken neck and a creepy smile, than you probably aren’t able to read this article or said comic for that matter ( which ultimately makes me fear that your neck may be broken in a similar fashion , let the night mares begin) The book ends rather abruptly which is just fine by me . Comics this good are amazing in monthly doses.
The RED : Run far, far away
Animal Man #2
Story: Jeff Lemire
Art : Travel Foreman
Review Score : 9.5
This book is insane ! I mean mouth agape at how well written and drawn insane. The book picks up right where #1 ended . Animal Man’s daughter seems to have her daddy’s gift too. Only her’s is more Pet Cemetery in its nature . Jeff Lemire has the ability to write something truly macabre in nature and yet create humor in it as well. This is instantly apparent when an argument with a neighbor ends with him screaming for help while pointing at the family with what use to be his hand. It seems there is a lot more to Maxine’s powers than she let on.
Another thing I like about the book is that there is always a family dynamic no matter how crazy the situation. Seeing Animal Man scold his daughter for sharing milk with one of her new dead pets is just one of many great character moments in this issue. Each member of the family has their own voice and is unique which goes along way towards you genuinely caring about them in this book.
Travel Foreman continues to make something as simple as the suburbs look cool. Not to mention the moment Maxine and her dad decide to seek out the Red you will feel like you are on an acid trip to hell. He continues to alter his style from one sequence to the next which works well for this book. The colorist deserves a lot of the credit here too . His use once again of muted colors in the suburban sequences, followed by backgrounds filled with Blue and Purple during Maxine and Animal Mans trip to the Red are fun and rewarding to look at. You will stare at a Splash page at the end of this book and you will want it in a frame .
My only complaint with the art is that in the last page of panels the story telling could have been better . I went back and forth a few times trying to establish exactly what was happening and I’m still a bit confused with the end and The Arrival of The Hunters Three. This book is shockingly good regardless and Jeff is keeping a lot of this story close to his chest , but its the creative art and painstaking care he gives his characters that manage to shine in this book after 2 issues. Into the Red indeed…. this is Highly Recommended!
X-Men: Schism #5
Writer: Jason Aaron
Artist: Adam Kubert
The end has finally arrived!
Jason Aaron you have successfully, hands down and without a doubt written a brawl between Scott and Logan that’s never been recorded in history. Was the merit of the fight a bit childish? Sure! But, did it make for a great story? Why, yes it did.
Going into Schism, I was not quite expecting the story that was delivered. Sure, I was a bit mislead by the mini series “Prelude to Schism”, where it was depicted as if all the X-Men were on Utopia awaiting some coming onslaught, of what is assumed to be sentinels, to reign doom upon their heads and that there was little hope for survival. Which also, I might add, Wolverine and Cyclops were at the height of their friendship by mini series end. But I don’t blame Mr. Aaron for that; I blame Marvel for taking advantage of the hype surrounding Schism as a whole. But, either way, the mini series did contain some great characterization and we got to hear the voice of Professor X, as he’s been oddly absent for months.
Well, lets go back to the fight! Ohh, the fight. With the way Schism number four ended, at the beginning of this brutal battle, I was sure that issue five would conclude with: Cyclops taking Wolverine’s right hand and Logan cutting out Cyclops’ left eye; thus bringing upon “The Age of Apocalypse”!?! Though that didn’t quite happen, Jason Aaron did not disappoint. I mean, take a look at the so conveniently placed image to your right. And that’s the first panel of page one!
But let it be known that this issue was not just one big brawl, it actually had a lot of character work throughout the X-Men members. And you better bet that Sentinel that was inching it’s way to Utopia surely went down with a bang. Adam Kubert is great at framing action scenes, which built momentum. Though his art this issue seemed a bit rushed. Some panels I could’ve sworn were artist Ron Garney, which has a sketch style where Adam has defined lines. I had high expectations for each artist due to the fact that they only had to contribute one issue. So, I was hoping for the best. But ultimately, Adam Kubert’s art was good and most importantly he caught all the emotional tension on panel.
Now I’d like to nit-pick here, for the reasoning behind this fight hasn’t quite mad sense to me. I’ll be getting a little spoil-ery here, only making reference to what Marvel has already released online, and previous “Schism” issues. First, why does Wolverine want to blow up Utopia? Does he not remember that Emma, Magneto and company are incapacitated within the island? Or, that there is a whole Atlantean civilization beneath the shores suspending Utopia? Apparently he doesn’t much care for the livelihood of those Atlantean kids. Which brings me to how Wolverine finds himself on this moral high ground to open a school for youngsters after all is said and done? Is this not a cold blooded killer of men we are talking about? One who can’t go six issues, within any of his various comics, without falling into some rage or mind control. Sure, he’s had young side kicks in the past, but all he’s ever done is brought them in harms way. So, i guess my question being, why was it that Wolverine was chosen to provoke this “schism”? I feel if it had been Iceman, one of the original X-Men alongside Cyclops, had made the stand instead of Wolverine, then there would have been a large emotional weight and it would’ve just settled better in my stomach.
But nonetheless, Jason Aaron wove a fantastic tale, and even created a re-imagined and memorable incarnation of one of the X-Men’s greatest foes, the Hellfire Club. I’m excited to see how this group further antagonizes our mutants within upcoming title, “Wolverine and the X-Men”. Which will be written by Jason Aaron and I am ecstatic that he will be taking on an X-Men team going into “Re-genesis”. The future is looking bright for our merry mutants, so sit back and enjoy the ride.
Deadpool #44
Writer: Daniel Way Art: Carlo Barberi [Pencils], Walden Wong [Inks] and Jorge Gonzalez [Colors]
Cover by Dave Johnson
Ever since he escaped from Britain’s Crossmore Prison in issue #42, the Merc with a Mouth (i.e. Deadpool) [They probably know that if they’re on this site, stupid!] has been running around jolly old England trying to evade his psychotic therapist.
Wade found himself in Crossmore way back in Deadpool #40 after trying to trick the Hulk [The big green one!] into killing him. Unfortunately, Doctor Ella Whitby kind of had a thing for the Regeneratin’ Degenerate. This worked to his advantage when she eventually helped him escape, but the doc’s delusional, obsessive and psychotic, and has kind of been creepin’ on our boy Wade ever since.
[Kind of like that weird chick in sixth grade that kept professing her love for you and trying to give you a real Valentine, etc. even though you kept shooting her down… ]
[QUIET STUPID SECOND VOICE! THAT GIRL DIDN’T MAKE A FULL-ON ROGER COSTUME!]
Anyways, last issue, we saw Wade hold up the Queen of England’s coach. The queen gave our right old chap a jolly good talking to — convincing Wade that Whitby’s actions are his responsibility since she is emulating him by killing people — before he pulled a costume swap and chip-cheerioed away in Her Majesty’s clothes.
Now that you’re up to speed, Deadpool #44 begins with Wade sneaking into Whitby’s apartment to get more info on what it is exactly that she’s up to. He discovers a fridge full of his dismembered limbs, apparently collected over the course of several years. [He can regenerate, you know…Keep up, kids!] Before he has time to process this, he comes across a note that leads him to the realization that Whitby is out to murder the prison’s warden and heads out to stop this from happening.
Forty-four issues in, writer Daniel Way continues to maintain a solid, humorous interplay between Wade and the voices in his head. To have a run this long on a series with this level of consistency is something special, and while many comic fans feel Deadpool is overplayed these days [He’s kind of the new Wolverine], people who scoff at this book have been missing a really enjoyable ride. The art also strikes the right balance of realistic-but-cartoony, especially in the puke-in-mask and hallucination panels.
Overall, this was a good conclusion to the current storyline with a nice lead-in to the next issue. The fridge of dismembered Deadpool parts was a clever play on the “Women in Refrigerators” [Google it, kids!] issue that comes up often in comics, whether it was intentional or not — and knowing the way healing factors work, they won’t stay there for long.
Story: 9/10
Art: 10/10 [Seriously… Whitby in that homemade Deadpool costume looks real enough to gross me out]
Reviews! Lots of reviews! Almost no attacks of readers at all! Considerably less profanity! THIS is the column where I assure potential future employers that John Velousis understands where satire ends and indecency begins! John Velousis di’nt mean to hurt you, baby, come on and let John Velousis throw his love at meanness itself. Poor business practices had best be on alert – there’s a new sheriff on-site, and his name is hidden cleverly in this very paragraph!
SO! I have many reviews I’d like to load, if that’s the word, but I ALSO have a selfish desire to sleep before I work tomorrow. Hence, I’ll be mentioning creative teams only if I feel like it, and I won’t feel like it much. Also, images are kind of a pain in the ole patoot to shove into this special area, so I’ll be skimping on those or senselessly using ones I already have lying around. Grades are OVERALL, on a 1-to-10 scale. Are you ready for some footsballs?
NON-boring cover by Dave Johnson
Abe Sapien: The Devil Does Not Jest #1 (of 2)
Grade: 8
The Mignolaverse of BPRD and Hellboy has been taking some serious jackhammers to the nuts lately (as opposed to funny ones… hmm. In fact, all jackhammers to the balls are both funny and serious.) Well, this series doesn’t clear up any dangling plot-sacks, it’s a tale of the BPRD salad days of 1985. Abe goes somewhere to investigate something, and wouldn’t you know it? Things go south. I guess they won’t be making any miniseries where Abe has a relaxing vacation. If you like your Abby the fish-man seasoned with a tablespoon of whup-ass, this issue will bring the yummy to your tummy. Every few years, Mike Mignola and his cronies (here co-writer John Arcudi, artist James Harren, THE colorist Dave Stewart – sweet dreams are made of his colors! – and letterer Clem Robins) remind the readership that Abraham Sapien can throw down and make it stay down. Then, five years later, they drop some huge callback on you letting you know WHY it all happened. Oh, how they do build their world, that they may have more world to bust up.
Tyr's unimpressed by Loki's fanny. Art by Stephanie Hans.
Journey into Mystery #628
Grade: 8 (I’m embarrassed. I repeated grade 8.)
Kieron Gillen’s account of the mammoth plot of Li’l Loki (who’s a good-guy now, probably) to save his brother Thor and the world too – multitaskers gonna multitask – has been a hoot from the start. Every chapter has added another fun piece to Loki’s skyscraper-sized Jenga of a plan. With this issue, the plan starts coming together. Well now, I reckon your enjoyment of this hyar comicky-book depends on jest how much y’luvvit when thet happens. (That’s me writing all Asgard-ey. Pretty good, huh?) I’m a-gonna pend final judgment, though, until I see how hard together the plan comes. If you haven’t been reading this delightful bundle of fundle, you should buy the trade of it if you find some money.
Brilliant #1
Grade: 7
B. M. Bendis and Bagley do creator-owned. Genius college kids invent superpowers. Will they use them for good? Well, no, but who gives a fig? [Warning: That was a spoiler, I think. I am uneasy with you kids’ “hep” jargon.] Fun enuff debut, but the color palette by Nick Filardi was a bit drab for my TV-baby needs, and I wasn’t kookoo about Bagley’s art either. Conversely, Bendis’s prose is not too prolix for a change. Hard to say how good it’ll be; it’s better than The Rise of Arsenal and worse than All-Star Superman. Ooh, that should be a blurb! “[Comparable to] All-Star Superman.”
S'more!
DeadpoolMax #12
Grade: 8.5
David Lapham and Kyle Baker’s cuddly and family-friendly Volume 1 ends on a high note. Not for Wade and his “handler” HydraBob and Wade’s, uh, mom / lover Iris – who’s also Taskmaster (Taskmastress?) and I think maybe Moon Knight too? Those three are pretty screwed, actually – but at least they have each other! Hoo-rah for friendship!
FF #9
Grade: 7.5
If this is the resolution to the whole War of Four Cities and Four to the Floor for Four Reeds and Bad Guys Come Around To Plan A Plan That Seems Pretty Super-Un-Genius storylines, it seems a bit rushed. Kind of like this review, so who am I to Judge? Has a killer one-liner from Spider-Man, though. And I always love Wizard Jr. Aw, golly to the hey, I’ll bump the grade up. I think it’s not the resolution anyhow. Gawd, I have no idea what I’m doing. Look away, I’m hideous!
Fear Itself: The Deep #4 (of 4)
Grade: 3.5
In an astonishing development, Namor conquers his sissification. Super-Attuma (EET’S NOT ATTUMAH!) takes a licking, then shakes it off to run away and join upper management, not wishing to be disposed of in a spin-off like some dork. I learned no lessons, but the ride was boring too. I should have used the money to buy two of those high-end frozen pizzas.
Not reviewed anywhere here, but this was a pretty boring cover too.
Fear Itself: Hulk v Dracula, Esq. #2 (of 3)
Grade: 5
Is there some place in Marvel continuity – like, maybe in the series X-Men: Not-Funny Diarrhea Vampires – where they say why Dracula didn’t die in Captain Britain: Vampire State (Grade: 9.5/10!)? Is it explained that to live again, Drac had to forsake his iconic Gene Colan look – ESPECIALLY the John Waters ‘stache – in favor of the totally S-E-X-X-Y “Old man with a gray pony tail” look? oh, and with pointy shoulder pads? just wondering. Anyhow, ’80s-midlife-crisis-Dracula sends the kitchen sink of monster zoos at line-glow cornrow Hammer-Hulk, who smashes ’em all real hard – wendigos, saurons, chrome-lined dragons, sort-of-idealized-versions-of-complete-Renaissance-men – all megaspankificated by big green’s new finishing move, which I’ve dubbed “hitting,” except for one guy who the Hulk blows. It’s not as fun as I’m making it sound.
Justice League Dark #1
Grade: 7
They only assemble after Labor day! Black Lightning, Mr. Terrific, Vixen, Obsidian, the right half of Eclipso’s body, Green Lantern John Stewart, Biz Markie, Tattooed Man, I have no plan how to tie up this sentence, nor will I. This was pretty decent, and the Ryan Sook cover is totally The Goods, but I feel like there’s about 75 issues of backstory that I’m missing. I probably block off my oxygen supply too much, I bet is why. So, in this series, the magic-users of the DCU – The Phantom Doug Henninger, Siegfried & Roy & Wondertigerdog, John David Copperfieldstantine, Penntana and Teller the Gesturing Man – – – – ah, sorry, Peter Milligan, I should go to bed.
Let me start out by saying: “I am an X-Man”. I say this because I deeply immersed myself within the X-Men mythology at a ripe age of seven; reading issues written by Chris Clairmont himself (right before his steady decline; the man can only have so many incredible stories to tell and told he has!). When I first heard that X-Men Destiny was in early stages of production I couldn’t help but be ecstatic at the idea of controlling my much loved characters once again on a platform console. Also worth mentioning, the game is written by comic book scribe, Mike Carey, who does really great work writing X-Men’s title, “X-Men Legacy”. Unfortunately, soon after I read the announcement of the game, I come upon an article stating Silicon Knights grand idea to assimilate three brand new main mutants for you to control, and to hopefully create an unbiased experience thru the X-Men universe. Was this really a grand idea? Not so much.
But enough talk, let’s play!
The game begins in San Francisco during a mutant rights rally, featuring the X-Men as protagonists to the mutants freedom cause. The rally then falls under attack by who obviously seems to be Magneto, time will tell. Impending dangers ensues and you find yourself ready to choose from one of the three new playable characters, they are as follows:
Aimi Yoshida, born in Fuji, Japan by her mutant birth parents, who decide to send Aimi away to America in fear that she’ll develop her own mutant abilities and be persecuted due to them within Japan. Why they believe America would better understand her “condition” was never made apparent.
Grant Alexander, born in Sandersville, Georgia, is a college freshman with the hopes of becoming a professional football player, and I know, these back stories are incredibly overwhelming!
Adrian Luca (the one that most grabbed my attention), born in Los Angeles, California, is the son of a martyr to a anti-mutant extremist religious group, known as the Purifiers.
Finally, you get to choose one of three abilities for a main base power. One allows you to control your own density, by rocks forming in and around your body? Sure that makes sense. Or you can have the control of energy manipulation, which will eventually allow your character to supernova, becoming a tiny star. And last but not least, you can obtain the dark energy known as, the Shadow Matter. Shadow matter allows the player to create sharp knives that form around your hands, much like the power “Density Control”.
Now, the endless slaughter of Purifiers, U-Men and MRD agents can begin! Wave upon wave of bad guys will flock to you, which is the premise of most missions, destroy a specified amount of bad guys within the time limit and unlock an x-gene ability! Each non-playable mutant has three x-genes and a costume you can find through out the game and equip at any time. This leaves a large margin to really make your character something special. Most x-genes can be leveled up multiple times which is a welcome addition to the bland game play
As you play, you come across a plethora of mutant characters (both good and bad). Each character will have a short “mission”, if that’s what we have to call it, to determine whose side you’re on. Will you fight alongside the X-Men, in hopes of peaceful coexistence, or fight alongside the Brotherhood, terrorizing humaninty at every turn? Either way, it really dosen’t matter! These “decisions” will very marginally take you away from the main track which is the backbone of the story. Even your choice of character dosen’t change the story, more the way your character reacts to what’s going on around you. Whether you decide the Brotherhood over the X-Men, you still end with the same boss fight and same conclusion. The only difference being, during the end battle there is a forty second cut scene in which twenty of those seconds change depending on your decision to fight for good or bad. Now, if this would be your decider on whose side you’re going to choose, I’d side with the X-Men; Cyclops really blows you out of the water during those twenty seconds!
Fighting alongside the various X-Men and Brotherhood is a great joy. If there is one thing that Silicon Knights got right, it’s the action! You can’t have a proper button masher without great fighting mechanics. Your AI battle partners, which you’ll fight alongside most of the game, are a lot of fun to watch as they tare holes through groups of baddies. Most non playable characters kick butt and have fun moves, which is a pro and con. Pro: it’s an honor to fight alongside beloved mutants with incredible powers. Con: I want to be these beloved mutants with incredible powers!! Really, why can’t I just be Cyclops! You let me wear his themed costume and equip specific x-genes that resemble his powers, just let me play as him! This is exactly why DC Online never caught my eye. Sure it’d be fun to fight alongside your favorite heroes, but at the end of the day, don’t you just want to play as them?
Overall, the action sequences are fun; for instance, there’s a battle with Cyclops and yourself against Magneto and Juggernaut, on a chunk of the golden gate bridge that Magneto in suspending over San Francisco. As an X-Man fan, it blew me away! Honestly, it’s Cyclops and Magneto that steal the show every time they’re onscreen. It really solidifies the fact that I wanted to play as them in this war, not as their pawns. The idea of this game being that you can create your own destiny is laughable. And that’s beyond the fact that the game can be completed in one night.
So, if you’re looking for a fun X-Men game, keep looking, there are others out there. Like X-Men Legends, which lives up to its title. Here you can be the actual X-Men, fighting other powered mutants such as Magneto and battle the hate fueled machinations known as the Sentinels. And if you really want to be the bad guys, then look no further than X-Men Legends 2, where you can put together a four man group of just Brotherhood or mix it up with some X-Men! Your destiny truly is your own to create!
On the Utility of Hatchets, or, Hall of Flame, or, I Bought It / I Break It, or, I Hurt Because I Love, or, My Wife Suggests I Use My Pseudonym
Part 1 – The Gathering Form
Before I start being mean about artists, I want to paraphrase a lovely musical question by The Pagans: What’s this shit called comic books? They’re these things with words and pictures that tell stories, sez I. People buy and sell them, yeah, but that is NOT what defines them. If some misguided narc of a mom throws out their kid’s comics and those get trash-picked by some other kid, clan of hobos, eagle-eyed hipster, whatever… no buying or selling there, see? But they’re still comics. Now, okay, maybe some comics by Jim Woodring or Jason don’t have words, and maybe some comics by Art Spiegelman or Dino Buzzati don’t tell stories as we ignorant masses understand them, but I’m blowing off such exceptions. That stuff’s outside the purview of my column, which is about superhero comics. Say, did you know that? Yeah, that’s what the column title is about, kind of. It has a few meanings, actually. Ponder that if you will, Sally-Bill, it don’t make no nohow to me any old way.
Tantalizing Stories #1 by Jim Woodring
Part 2 – Hoo Boy
Now I gotta get mushy for a paragraph, because I’m going to open up about comic books’ connection to my heart. I love comics. I think they constitute a fantastic artistic medium. I believe what the great Jack Kirby said: “You can do anything with words and pictures.” I believe it all the way. Comics, for me, are not a guilty pleasure – they’re a pleasure. Not when they suck, obviously, but I’m making sure I state here, in no uncertain terms, that this art form is not some kind of “low art” as opposed to just-plain-books, say. If you think that From Hell is inferior to The DaVinci Code because society has given the thumbs-up for THAT flavor of snobbery, then you can go shove a floy floy up your rusty dusty. For real, go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut, if you believe THAT wack shit. Hell, while I’m working up a nice froth, I ain’t no fucking GEEK either. I have EARNED the respect of the most jaded human beings on Earth – Chicago rock-and-roll musicians. What the fuck have YOU ever done, you theoretical pin-dicked straw man mutherfucker?
Animal Man #5 by Brian Bolland
Part 3 – Pretty rainbows! Unicorns! Yayyyyyy!
Hey now! I’ve taken some chill pills – it’s all aboveboard, I have a legal prescription. About time for me to get to the point, wouldn’t you say? Okay, here goes: Marvel Comics has had some really boring comic book covers lately – like, for the last two years at LEAST. I have seen it said that this is a matter of policy at Marvel Worldwide, Inc., a subsidiary of Marvel Entertainment, LLC. What boring, you may say, boring how, define my terms! I mean covers that say NOTHING NEW – that may, in fact convey as little information as possible while still actually having images. This offends my sensibilities. Why? What’s it to me? Well, a boring comic book cover is an inferior work of art. It is the work of an artist betraying his or her own talent, or being made to betray their talent. This is repugnant to me. An artist’s delight is to speak to the human soul. Yet at the House of ideas, artists have been doing WAY too much tapping the mic and saying, “Testing… testing…” over and over. These artists are being abased by their own hand, the instruments to their own humiliation.
Amazing Spider-Man #655 by Marcos Martin
Part 4 – How do I know it’s a murder? Here’s the body. (It turns out I killed the Word-Count Fairy.)
Issue#9 of Iron Man 2.0 came out last Wednesday. The writer, Nick Spencer, is a fascinating new-ish talent. His series Morning Glories at Image is a consistently surprising mind-fuck, flecked with little bitty-bits of delight in nearly every marginal detail. It’s already a success by my lights whether or not he manages the seemingly impossible task of tying its psychotic world together. Also from Image, Infinite Vacation seems pretty fantastic – and its artist, Christian Ward, has the balls to insist that perfection simply cannot be rushed… meaning that it doesn’t come out super-often, but that’s another column.
Over at DC, Spencer’s T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents is fresher than a blood-red tomato plucked off the vine and juicing into your mouth. From issue#3, here’s a picture that paints a thousand wails of torment and regret:
T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #3 p.3 pan.1- Cafu, Bit, & Santiago Arcas
I’m not sure where this book falls in place with DC’s current shenanigans, but it’d be sad as shit if it were done.
And his story, Jimmy Olsen’s Big Week simply cupped my balls with vibrations of astonished delight. Really, truly, if you think I have ever said ANYTHING of value, believe me that you have GOT to get that Jimmy Olsen special. If you never read it, you simply won’t be as good at ANYTHING as everyone else – making pizza, fucking, sudoku. If I don’t see an explosion of Jimmy Olsen’s Big Week sales tomorrow that can be counted in integers, well, that’ll just be sad, I suppose.
Spencer’s Marvel output has been… less consistent. His Cloak & Dagger is better than anybody could have expected so far, and though I’ve not read it, fans are really slobbing his knob over Ultimate X-Men#1. BUT… his run on Secret Avengers wasn’t very good. Actually, I thought it was bad. And this gets us back to Iron Man 2.0…
Iron Man 2.0 (I’m now done with the bold text for this dog) had a few things going against it from the get-go. First, there’s the NAME. One can understand why “War Machine” isn’t such a good name for a hero, but “Iron Man 2.0”? A little bit patronizing, isn’t it? The minds that came up with that – I DOUBT it was Spencer – are the same kind of minds that would’ve just called him “Black Iron Man” in the 1970s. I put about 2 seconds’ thought into it and thought of “Peacekeeper.” It’s politically correct, but is the name of a weapon. Bada-bing, bada-boom. I’m sure anybody could’ve come up with a better name just as easily… except there was this film franchise, you see, and money to be made…
The series itself started out reasonably promisingly – not as well as ANY of Spencer’s other projects, but compelling enough to continue reading. Issue 1, there’s a lovely technicolor fight involving Iron Man the First, War Machine, and an android duplicate of Blizzard, the supervillain who’s for dessert! Then some plot exposition and an odd last-page mystery reveal. Issue 2… not as interesting, but still the mystery deepens and our guy gets red-herringed into, aw snap, a nuke dropping on him. Issue 3 dials it back yet more, the bulk taken, first, by MANY silent panels of people worried about James “Rhodey” “War Machine” “Iron Man 2.0 Real Soon” Rhodes and his gay li’l been-nuked problem, then by him and Stark fetishizing a bunch of tech like Marion Cobretti polishing his steel barrel. They end up giving the new armor John Lynch’s left eye. These 3 issues all have art by some three-way combo of Barry kitson, Kano, and Carmine Di Giandomenico.
IM 2.0 #1
IM 2.0 #3 - Pretend these are all alligned, okay? Thanks!
IM 2.0 #2
Issue 4… is dire. It reads like filler. The inner illustrations are rife with splash pages that have no reason to exist at all. This guy with the first name that defines a real man tells is just like it is. The art tricycle has been replaced by Ariel Olivetti, who has a thankless task and earns some anti-thanks. I mean, yeah, “Double page spread: alienated kid alone on a school bleacher” doesn’t torch inspiration into ANYBODY’s head, but his rendering is devoid of ANY element of technique that could possibly create an effect – no internal framing, no creepy shading, no skewed perspective indicating psychosis – A STICK FIGURE would have had more dramatic effect than this blue-sky-sunny-day exercise in making two pages be filled. Whoa! Grass looks cloudy there – SPOOKY! Christ, TILT the fucking thing! The absolutely most disturbing thing about this picture is that it’s confusing WHY it’s so lame!
Some pair of fuckin' pages from Iron Man 2.0#4
Ahem. The issue seems like Spencer was told, “Kill time until Fear Itself.” Then, issues 5-7 are Fear itself crossover wankery. In #5, both Iron Man II and Iron Fist say the lines “I’ve seen my share of bad times[…] but THIS– THIS might be the worst I’ve ever seen.” Okay, I simply cannot continue this blow by blow of a comic book losing its sense of purpose more with every issue. Let me just jump to my guess WHY.
IM 2.0 #6IM 2.0 #4
IM 2.0 #5
I am about to do a shitty, shitty thing. People do this thing all the time without understanding how lousy it is. It’s a low blow, this thing. If I am wrong, I’ll have done a vile thing. I am going to accuse a creator of cashing a check. A BUNCH of creators. Everybody named so far. I have to believe that all of these guys took the assignment WANTING to make something great, BUT Marvel had these things they needed done, and those things beget worse things, and the artists saw the way the wind blew. And they saw that it blew. And they said, “fuck it.” And it was bad. That’s the only explanation I can glean for the depressing dearth of inspiration on display. And oh my god what about the covers?
IM 2.0 #8IM 2.0 #7 -Olivetti
IM 2.0 #7.1 WTF? ROTFLMAOBOWBH!
Salvador Larroca is credited on art for all of the covers, with Frank D’Armata given co-credit from issue 2 onward. Ariel Olivetti was omitted from credit as the actual cover artist for #7, and Marvel regretted that error. Look at those damned things. Can you imagine being 10 years old and trying to remember your favorite issue of Iron Man Junior (not likely, sure – this is purely a mental exercise,) and trying to recall its cover – which one of these generic 3/4 figure shots with Assistant Iron Man facing you was IT? Now, I’m quite fond of Salvador Larroca’s work on the interiors of Invincible Iron Man, but why the Hell didn’t he put any actual God damned IDEAS in any of these? Go back and look at that Spider-Man cover. Yeah, it’s unfair to compare ANYBODY to Marcos Martin, but shit, man, you are allowed to THINK about the cover before you start drawing it, aren’t you? These covers do not say ANYTHING. Why not draw one where he scratches his nuts? That would be new! Do some fucking thing I’ll remember! So. Iron Man 2.0 #9 is the winner of our first Boring Cover of the Week.
Iron Man 2.0 #8 by Larroca and D'Armata
But this series is the Albert Pujols of Bad Covers. So, since the rules are mine, I’m also electing the entire series to the Bad Cover Hall of Fame.
One should not aspire to be a drawer. One should aspire to be an artist.
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Holy talk. I mean seriously. Talk. Then some action, talk, talk talk. Spider-Man has been shot! SCENE!
