Happy Tim Tebow Week 2016! Or as it’s more commonly known in North Florida, the last decade.
As you undoubtedly know by now, Tebow announced Tuesday he’s seriously pursuing a professional baseball career. Citing the fact that in high school, he murdered almost as many baseballs as former teammate Aaron Hernandez has people, ESPN’s Adam Schefter got the party started:
“Tebow was an all-state baseball player in Florida that year and hit .494 as a junior, helping Nease High School reach the final four of the Florida state playoffs.”
Apparently, since the window has closed on Timmy’s annual will-some-team-desperate-to-sign-a-QB-make-a-move-on-the-weak-armed-poor-performing-Christian-with-the-heart-of-gold sweepstakes (essentially a sequel to The Brett Favre Over the Hill Gunslinger Media Meltdown and Newsfeed Jam, which ran every offseason from 2008-2011), he called an audible. Something he also struggled with during his football career. Of course, much of the sporting world had to chime in…
WARNING: Hot Takes Ahead!
Former destroyer of a perfectly good sanitary sock, and current unemployed right-wing internet troll Curt Schilling, via Yahoo! Sports:
“The comment I heard,” Schilling said, “was that he was a really good hitter in high school. Well, I was too. I was really good hitter in high school and I (hit) .100-something in the big leagues. I saw him swing the other day. He looks like he’s got a nice swing. I think he’d kick the crap out of people in the 30-and-over league.”
Orioles Manager, and “Seinfeld” guest star, Buck Showalter, via MASN:
“I better leave that one alone. Am I intrigued? No, not at all. Amused? No, not at all,” said Showalter. “I think about what these guys do in our Dominican Academy and Delmarva and Aberdeen and the Gulf Coast League and Frederick and Bowie and Norfolk, I take very seriously the stuff they have to do to get the opportunities and do what they’re doing. Somebody will sell some tickets in the spring. I should be careful, we may sign him.”
“I bet he was a good player in high school. I was, too,” concluded Showalter.
Human incarnation of the loudest, worst-smelling fart you’ve ever experienced, Skip Bayless, tweeted:
Tim Tebow, suddenly trying to become a pro baseball player at age 29? Impossible. Which is why I wouldn't bet against him.
— Skip Bayless (@RealSkipBayless) August 9, 2016
To make things more ridiculous, are the comparisons to Michael Jordan, who famously quit basketball at the prime of his career to pursue a dream of playing baseball. I think anyone who watches sports and hasn’t been drinking the holy water knows what a terribly spurious comparison that is. But for those who don’t, let’s remember MJ was coming off his third consecutive NBA championship and was the most famous athlete on the planet. He wasn’t a washed-up, never-was who couldn’t make a pro team, and whose polarizing popularity had more to do with his beliefs than his athletic performance. AND HE STILL FAILED!
With that being said, once the baseball fantasy is derailed, and we are again (temporarily) bereft of the all-Tebow, all-the-time news cycle, here are three suggested occupations he can take a run at to get him back in the news in 2017 and beyond.
“He was an all-neighborhood roller hockey player, and scored 32 goals in a weekend in 2002 as a 15-year-old, which helped his cul-de-sac’s team win a plate of Totino’s Pizza Rolls from Mrs. Taylor.” – Adam Schefter, ESPN, August 9, 2017
Drive Time DJ:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Gainesville, FL (May 22, 2018) – Famous Christ-worshipper, infrequent TV personality, and three-time pro sports failure Tim Tebow, has been named Christian Radio 88.9 The Ark’s morning drive-time co-host, filling the station’s 6am-9am weekdays slot.
Tebow will join co-host Pastor Terry Jones, who most famously (unsuccessfully) tried to hold a Koran-burning protest on Sept. 11, 2013, at his Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, before joining The Ark’s staff in late 2016.
The pair will begin broadcasting together on May 29, with the debut of “Timmy and The Douche in the Morning.”
“My appearances on ‘Good Morning America’ and ‘SEC Nation’ aside, I don’t have any professional experience in radio, but I did record myself doing play-by-play over old pee-wee football tape as a teenager,” Tebow said. “[Timmy and the Douche] is basically going to be Pastor Jones and I spinning Bronze Age half-truths and misconceptions to the masses of staunch Christians in North and Central Florida from Monday-Friday. God Bless!”
Tebow’s inability to play sports at the highest level is overshadowed only by his unwavering ability to proselytize to the most vapid and intellectually vacant amongst us. He will also circumcise your children for a small fee.
“The comment I heard,” Boz Scaggs said, “was that he was a really good singer-songwriter in high school. Well, I was too. I was really good singer-songwriter in high school and “Lowdown” is still my only top-five single. I saw him playing and singing the other day. He looks like he’s got some decent pipes. I think he’d kick the crap out of people at the karaoke contest at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville.”
If all else fails, look for Tebow at a megachurch near you — or at the 2020 Republican National Convention.