Because What’s More American than the Over Consumption of Mediocrity?
This week in “40 ounces of Freedom!” I’m gulping down another classic: The Colt 45 and guess what it’s in a glass bottle baby! Also, I don’t think I could have found a better featured image. I mean, if Lando Carlissian says “It works every time,” then who am I to deny its sexist marketing campaign of pure magic.
- I must keep the alcohol in the bottle I purchased it in!
- I must finish the bottle, unless I puke.
- I should finish the bottle within an hour.
I’m very grateful that the pride of the Colt 45 has kept it’s amber potion in glass. My first sip has made me turn to a little research. It has approximately 5.61% alcohol and is brewed by Pabst, which I immediately identified from the first sip. It’s got a light Pabst feel with a Budweiser finish. I wouldn’t mind it so much, if it didn’t have a skunky aftertaste, but hey I’ve dealt my own cards with this pick. I’m actually not sure if I like this better than the Olde English 800. It shall be an epic battle to see which malt liquor is more tolerable!
I almost didn’t write one of these this week because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to drink, but my decision to see KRAMPUS, the movie about a demon Santa, at midnight, made me question my life decisions, so here I am. Another factor, was realizing that selling all my sisters and my own college textbooks only gets me a whopping $61.40. My mother is asking why I need to drink the whole thing, as she sips wine from a mug, and I tell her: “It’s integral to the piece.” Yep, I’m losing my mind and my soul has been disintegrated already from years of disappointment.
Half way through, I’m still unsure where the Colt 45 stands with the mighty Olde English. Some sips happen to have more flavor than others. I prefer the taste to be mellow to avoid the skunky after attack. I’m going to incorporate a straw to sip it down faster, just as any hard0-badass-macho-man would do.
I used a pink, metal Slurpee straw just in case you were wondering how hardcore I was, and it honestly made it taste worse, so I’m back to regular drinking. I have five minutes to finish. It’s time to pound it down!
The deed has been accomplished. It wasn’t good. The only thing Colt 45 has over Olde English is that it’s in glass, otherwise it doesn’t really matter. Ugh, what does matter. I just don’t know!