Our Underwear #4 – Didn’t you read #1 where I said why it wasn’t my fault?

October 5, 2011

by John Velousis

Reviews! Lots of reviews! Almost no attacks of readers at all! Considerably less profanity! THIS is the column where I assure potential future employers that John Velousis understands where satire ends and indecency begins! John Velousis di’nt mean to hurt you, baby, come on and let John Velousis throw his love at meanness itself. Poor business practices had best be on alert – there’s a new sheriff on-site, and his name is hidden cleverly in this very paragraph!

SO! I have many reviews I’d like to load, if that’s the word, but I ALSO have a selfish desire to sleep before I work tomorrow. Hence, I’ll be mentioning creative teams only if I feel like it, and I won’t feel like it much. Also, images are kind of a pain in the ole patoot to shove into this special area, so I’ll be skimping on those or senselessly using ones I already have lying around. Grades are OVERALL, on a 1-to-10 scale. Are you ready for some footsballs?

No time for alt text! — NON-boring cover by Dave Johnson

Abe Sapien: The Devil Does Not Jest #1 (of 2)

Grade: 8

The Mignolaverse of BPRD and Hellboy has been taking some serious jackhammers to the nuts lately (as opposed to funny ones… hmm. In fact, all jackhammers to the balls are both funny and serious.) Well, this series doesn’t clear up any dangling plot-sacks, it’s a tale of the BPRD salad days of 1985. Abe goes somewhere to investigate something, and wouldn’t you know it? Things go south. I guess they won’t be making any miniseries where Abe has a relaxing vacation. If you like your Abby the fish-man seasoned with a tablespoon of whup-ass, this issue will bring the yummy to your tummy. Every few years, Mike Mignola and his cronies (here co-writer John Arcudi, artist James Harren, THE colorist Dave Stewart – sweet dreams are made of his colors! – and letterer Clem Robins) remind the readership that Abraham Sapien can throw down and make it stay down. Then, five years later, they drop some huge callback on you letting you know WHY it all happened. Oh, how they do build their world, that they may have more world to bust up.

Yo! — Tyr's unimpressed by Loki's fanny. Art by Stephanie Hans.

Journey into Mystery #628

Grade: 8 (I’m embarrassed. I repeated grade 8.)

Kieron Gillen’s account of the mammoth plot of Li’l Loki (who’s a good-guy now, probably) to save his brother Thor and the world too – multitaskers gonna multitask – has been a hoot from the start. Every chapter has added another fun piece to Loki’s skyscraper-sized Jenga of a plan. With this issue, the plan starts coming together. Well now, I reckon your enjoyment of this hyar comicky-book depends on jest how much y’luvvit when thet happens. (That’s me writing all Asgard-ey. Pretty good, huh?) I’m a-gonna pend final judgment, though, until I see how hard together the plan comes. If you haven’t been reading this delightful bundle of fundle, you should buy the trade of it if you find some money.

Brilliant #1

Grade: 7

B. M. Bendis and Bagley do creator-owned. Genius college kids invent superpowers. Will they use them for good? Well, no, but who gives a fig? [Warning: That was a spoiler, I think. I am uneasy with you kids’ “hep” jargon.] Fun enuff debut, but the color palette by Nick Filardi was a bit drab for my TV-baby needs, and I wasn’t kookoo about Bagley’s art either. Conversely, Bendis’s prose is not too prolix for a change. Hard to say how good it’ll be; it’s better than The Rise of Arsenal and worse than All-Star Superman. Ooh, that should be a blurb! “[Comparable to] All-Star Superman.”

DeadpoolMax #12

Grade: 8.5

David Lapham and Kyle Baker’s cuddly and family-friendly Volume 1 ends on a high note. Not for Wade and his “handler” HydraBob and Wade’s, uh, mom / lover Iris – who’s also Taskmaster (Taskmastress?) and I think maybe Moon Knight too? Those three are pretty screwed, actually – but at least they have each other! Hoo-rah for friendship!

FF #9

Grade: 7.5

If this is the resolution to the whole War of Four Cities and Four to the Floor for Four Reeds and Bad Guys Come Around To Plan A Plan That Seems Pretty Super-Un-Genius storylines, it seems a bit rushed. Kind of like this review, so who am I to Judge? Has a killer one-liner from Spider-Man, though. And I always love Wizard Jr. Aw, golly to the hey, I’ll bump the grade up. I think it’s not the resolution anyhow. Gawd, I have no idea what I’m doing. Look away, I’m hideous!

Fear Itself: The Deep #4 (of 4)

Grade: 3.5

In an astonishing development, Namor conquers his sissification. Super-Attuma (EET’S NOT ATTUMAH!) takes a licking, then shakes it off to run away and join upper management, not wishing to be disposed of in a spin-off like some dork. I learned no lessons, but the ride was boring too. I should have used the money to buy two of those high-end frozen pizzas.

Up and I'm down, lost and I'm found, I'm on the hunt I'm after you... — Not reviewed anywhere here, but this was a pretty boring cover too.

Fear Itself: Hulk v Dracula, Esq. #2 (of 3)

Grade: 5

Is there some place in Marvel continuity – like, maybe in the series X-Men: Not-Funny Diarrhea Vampires – where they say why Dracula didn’t die in Captain Britain: Vampire State (Grade: 9.5/10!)? Is it explained that to live again, Drac had to forsake his iconic Gene Colan look – ESPECIALLY the John Waters ‘stache – in favor of the totally S-E-X-X-Y “Old man with a gray pony tail” look? oh, and with pointy shoulder pads? just wondering. Anyhow, ’80s-midlife-crisis-Dracula sends the kitchen sink of monster zoos at line-glow cornrow Hammer-Hulk, who smashes ’em all real hard – wendigos, saurons, chrome-lined dragons, sort-of-idealized-versions-of-complete-Renaissance-men – all megaspankificated by big green’s new finishing move, which I’ve dubbed “hitting,” except for one guy who the Hulk blows. It’s not as fun as I’m making it sound.

Justice League Dark #1

Grade: 7

They only assemble after Labor day! Black Lightning, Mr. Terrific, Vixen, Obsidian, the right half of Eclipso’s body, Green Lantern John Stewart, Biz Markie, Tattooed Man, I have no plan how to tie up this sentence, nor will I. This was pretty decent, and the Ryan Sook cover is totally The Goods, but I feel like there’s about 75 issues of backstory that I’m missing. I probably block off my oxygen supply too much, I bet is why. So, in this series, the magic-users of the DCU – The Phantom Doug Henninger, Siegfried & Roy & Wondertigerdog, John David Copperfieldstantine, Penntana and Teller the Gesturing Man – – – – ah, sorry, Peter Milligan, I should go to bed.

This column is over – scram!

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

Review: X-Men Destiny 360/PS3/Wii

rDuelfer

October 4, 2011

X-Men: Destiny
Xbox 360, PS3, Wii

Let me start out by saying: “I am an X-Man”. I say this because I deeply immersed myself within the X-Men mythology at a ripe age of seven; reading issues written by Chris Clairmont himself (right before his steady decline; the man can only have so many incredible stories to tell and told he has!). When I first heard that X-Men Destiny was in early stages of production I couldn’t help but be ecstatic at the idea of controlling my much loved characters once again on a platform console. Also worth mentioning, the game is written by comic book scribe, Mike Carey, who does really great work writing X-Men’s title, “X-Men Legacy”. Unfortunately, soon after I read the announcement of the game, I come upon an article stating Silicon Knights grand idea to assimilate three brand new main mutants for you to control, and to hopefully create an unbiased experience thru the X-Men universe. Was this really a grand idea? Not so much.

But enough talk, let’s play!

The game begins in San Francisco during a mutant rights rally, featuring the X-Men as protagonists to the mutants freedom cause. The rally then falls under attack by who obviously seems to be Magneto, time will tell. Impending dangers ensues and you find yourself ready to choose from one of the three new playable characters, they are as follows:

Aimi Yoshida, born in Fuji, Japan by her mutant birth parents, who decide to send Aimi away to America in fear that she’ll develop her own mutant abilities and be persecuted due to them within Japan. Why they believe America would better understand her “condition” was never made apparent.

Grant Alexander, born in Sandersville, Georgia, is a college freshman with the hopes of becoming a professional football player, and I know, these back stories are incredibly overwhelming!

Adrian Luca (the one that most grabbed my attention), born in Los Angeles, California, is the son of a martyr to a anti-mutant extremist religious group, known as the Purifiers.

Finally, you get to choose one of three abilities for a main base power. One allows you to control your own density, by rocks forming in and around your body? Sure that makes sense. Or you can have the control of energy manipulation, which will eventually allow your character to supernova, becoming a tiny star. And last but not least, you can obtain the dark energy known as, the Shadow Matter. Shadow matter allows the player to create sharp knives that form around your hands, much like the power “Density Control”.

Now, the endless slaughter of Purifiers, U-Men and MRD agents can begin! Wave upon wave of bad guys will flock to you, which is the premise of most missions, destroy a specified amount of bad guys within the time limit and unlock an x-gene ability! Each non-playable mutant has three x-genes and a costume you can find through out the game and equip at any time. This leaves a large margin to really make your character something special. Most x-genes can be leveled up multiple times which is a welcome addition to the bland game play

As you play, you come across a plethora of mutant characters (both good and bad). Each character will have a short “mission”, if that’s what we have to call it, to determine whose side you’re on. Will you fight alongside the X-Men, in hopes of peaceful coexistence, or fight alongside the Brotherhood, terrorizing humaninty at every turn? Either way, it really dosen’t matter! These “decisions” will very marginally take you away from the main track which is the backbone of the story. Even your choice of character dosen’t change the story, more the way your character reacts to what’s going on around you. Whether you decide the Brotherhood over the X-Men, you still end with the same boss fight and same conclusion. The only difference being, during the end battle there is a forty second cut scene in which twenty of those seconds change depending on your decision to fight for good or bad. Now, if this would be your decider on whose side you’re going to choose, I’d side with the X-Men; Cyclops really blows you out of the water during those twenty seconds!

Fighting alongside the various X-Men and Brotherhood is a great joy. If there is one thing that Silicon Knights got right, it’s the action! You can’t have a proper button masher without great fighting mechanics. Your AI battle partners, which you’ll fight alongside most of the game, are a lot of fun to watch as they tare holes through groups of baddies. Most non playable characters kick butt and have fun moves, which is a pro and con. Pro: it’s an honor to fight alongside beloved mutants with incredible powers. Con: I want to be these beloved mutants with incredible powers!! Really, why can’t I just be Cyclops! You let me wear his themed costume and equip specific x-genes that resemble his powers, just let me play as him! This is exactly why DC Online never caught my eye. Sure it’d be fun to fight alongside your favorite heroes, but at the end of the day, don’t you just want to play as them?

Overall, the action sequences are fun; for instance, there’s a battle with Cyclops and yourself against Magneto and Juggernaut, on a chunk of the golden gate bridge that Magneto in suspending over San Francisco. As an X-Man fan, it blew me away! Honestly, it’s Cyclops and Magneto that steal the show every time they’re onscreen. It really solidifies the fact that I wanted to play as them in this war, not as their pawns. The idea of this game being that you can create your own destiny is laughable. And that’s beyond the fact that the game can be completed in one night.

So, if you’re looking for a fun X-Men game, keep looking, there are others out there. Like X-Men Legends, which lives up to its title. Here you can be the actual X-Men, fighting other powered mutants such as Magneto and battle the hate fueled machinations known as the Sentinels. And if you really want to be the bad guys, then look no further than X-Men Legends 2, where you can put together a four man group of just Brotherhood or mix it up with some X-Men! Your destiny truly is your own to create!

Score: 5/10

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

Our Underwear #3 – Boring Cover of the Week begins!

velousis

October 4, 2011

By John Velousis

On the Utility of Hatchets, or, Hall of Flame, or, I Bought It / I Break It, or, I Hurt Because I Love, or, My Wife Suggests I Use My Pseudonym

Part 1 – The Gathering Form

Before I start being mean about artists, I want to paraphrase a lovely musical question by The Pagans: What’s this shit called comic books? They’re these things with words and pictures that tell stories, sez I. People buy and sell them, yeah, but that is NOT what defines them. If some misguided narc of a mom throws out their kid’s comics and those get trash-picked by some other kid, clan of hobos, eagle-eyed hipster, whatever… no buying or selling there, see? But they’re still comics. Now, okay, maybe some comics by Jim Woodring or Jason don’t have words, and maybe some comics by Art Spiegelman or Dino Buzzati don’t tell stories as we ignorant masses understand them, but I’m blowing off such exceptions. That stuff’s outside the purview of my column, which is about superhero comics. Say, did you know that? Yeah, that’s what the column title is about, kind of. It has a few meanings, actually. Ponder that if you will, Sally-Bill, it don’t make no nohow to me any old way.

A standard to reach for — Tantalizing Stories #1 by Jim Woodring

Part 2 – Hoo Boy

Now I gotta get mushy for a paragraph, because I’m going to open up about comic books’ connection to my heart. I love comics. I think they constitute a fantastic artistic medium. I believe what the great Jack Kirby said: “You can do anything with words and pictures.” I believe it all the way. Comics, for me, are not a guilty pleasure – they’re a pleasure. Not when they suck, obviously, but I’m making sure I state here, in no uncertain terms, that this art form is not some kind of “low art” as opposed to just-plain-books, say. If you think that From Hell is inferior to The DaVinci Code because society has given the thumbs-up for THAT flavor of snobbery, then you can go shove a floy floy up your rusty dusty. For real, go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut, if you believe THAT wack shit. Hell, while I’m working up a nice froth, I ain’t no fucking GEEK either. I have EARNED the respect of the most jaded human beings on Earth – Chicago rock-and-roll musicians. What the fuck have YOU ever done, you theoretical pin-dicked straw man mutherfucker?

This is an idea — Animal Man #5 by Brian Bolland

Part 3 – Pretty rainbows! Unicorns! Yayyyyyy!

Hey now! I’ve taken some chill pills – it’s all aboveboard, I have a legal prescription. About time for me to get to the point, wouldn’t you say? Okay, here goes: Marvel Comics has had some really boring comic book covers lately – like, for the last two years at LEAST. I have seen it said that this is a matter of policy at Marvel Worldwide, Inc., a subsidiary of Marvel Entertainment, LLC. What boring, you may say, boring how, define my terms! I mean covers that say NOTHING NEW – that may, in fact convey as little information as possible while still actually having images. This offends my sensibilities. Why? What’s it to me? Well, a boring comic book cover is an inferior work of art. It is the work of an artist betraying his or her own talent, or being made to betray their talent. This is repugnant to me. An artist’s delight is to speak to the human soul. Yet at the House of ideas, artists have been doing WAY too much tapping the mic and saying, “Testing… testing…” over and over. These artists are being abased by their own hand, the instruments to their own humiliation.

This is technique — Amazing Spider-Man #655 by Marcos Martin

Part 4 – How do I know it’s a murder? Here’s the body. (It turns out I killed the Word-Count Fairy.)

Issue#9 of Iron Man 2.0 came out last Wednesday. The writer, Nick Spencer, is a fascinating new-ish talent. His series Morning Glories at Image is a consistently surprising mind-fuck, flecked with little bitty-bits of delight in nearly every marginal detail. It’s already a success by my lights whether or not he manages the seemingly impossible task of tying its psychotic world together. Also from Image, Infinite Vacation seems pretty fantastic – and its artist, Christian Ward, has the balls to insist that perfection simply cannot be rushed… meaning that it doesn’t come out super-often, but that’s another column.

Over at DC, Spencer’s T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents is fresher than a blood-red tomato plucked off the vine and juicing into your mouth. From issue#3, here’s a picture that paints a thousand wails of torment and regret:

This is emotion — T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #3 p.3 pan.1- Cafu, Bit, & Santiago Arcas

I’m not sure where this book falls in place with DC’s current shenanigans, but it’d be sad as shit if it were done.

And his story, Jimmy Olsen’s Big Week simply cupped my balls with vibrations of astonished delight. Really, truly, if you think I have ever said ANYTHING of value, believe me that you have GOT to get that Jimmy Olsen special. If you never read it, you simply won’t be as good at ANYTHING as everyone else – making pizza, fucking, sudoku. If I don’t see an explosion of Jimmy Olsen’s Big Week sales tomorrow that can be counted in integers, well, that’ll just be sad, I suppose.

Spencer’s Marvel output has been… less consistent. His Cloak & Dagger is better than anybody could have expected so far, and though I’ve not read it, fans are really slobbing his knob over Ultimate X-Men#1. BUT… his run on Secret Avengers wasn’t very good. Actually, I thought it was bad. And this gets us back to Iron Man 2.0…

Iron Man 2.0 (I’m now done with the bold text for this dog) had a few things going against it from the get-go. First, there’s the NAME. One can understand why “War Machine” isn’t such a good name for a hero, but “Iron Man 2.0”? A little bit patronizing, isn’t it? The minds that came up with that – I DOUBT it was Spencer – are the same kind of minds that would’ve just called him “Black Iron Man” in the 1970s. I put about 2 seconds’ thought into it and thought of “Peacekeeper.” It’s politically correct, but is the name of a weapon. Bada-bing, bada-boom. I’m sure anybody could’ve come up with a better name just as easily… except there was this film franchise, you see, and money to be made…

The series itself started out reasonably promisingly – not as well as ANY of Spencer’s other projects, but compelling enough to continue reading. Issue 1, there’s a lovely technicolor fight involving Iron Man the First, War Machine, and an android duplicate of Blizzard, the supervillain who’s for dessert! Then some plot exposition and an odd last-page mystery reveal. Issue 2… not as interesting, but still the mystery deepens and our guy gets red-herringed into, aw snap, a nuke dropping on him. Issue 3 dials it back yet more, the bulk taken, first, by MANY silent panels of people worried about James “Rhodey” “War Machine” “Iron Man 2.0 Real Soon” Rhodes and his gay li’l been-nuked problem, then by him and Stark fetishizing a bunch of tech like Marion Cobretti polishing his steel barrel. They end up giving the new armor John Lynch’s left eye. These 3 issues all have art by some three-way combo of Barry kitson, Kano, and Carmine Di Giandomenico.

A choo-choo's coming! — IM 2.0 #3 - Pretend these are all alligned, okay? Thanks!

: IM 2.0 #2

Issue 4… is dire. It reads like filler. The inner illustrations are rife with splash pages that have no reason to exist at all. This guy with the first name that defines a real man tells is just like it is. The art tricycle has been replaced by Ariel Olivetti, who has a thankless task and earns some anti-thanks. I mean, yeah, “Double page spread: alienated kid alone on a school bleacher” doesn’t torch inspiration into ANYBODY’s head, but his rendering is devoid of ANY element of technique that could possibly create an effect – no internal framing, no creepy shading, no skewed perspective indicating psychosis – A STICK FIGURE would have had more dramatic effect than this blue-sky-sunny-day exercise in making two pages be filled. Whoa! Grass looks cloudy there – SPOOKY! Christ, TILT the fucking thing! The absolutely most disturbing thing about this picture is that it’s confusing WHY it’s so lame!

ZOMG, nobody GETS my EMOTIONALISM. — Some pair of fuckin' pages from Iron Man 2.0#4

Ahem. The issue seems like Spencer was told, “Kill time until Fear Itself.” Then, issues 5-7 are Fear itself crossover wankery. In #5, both Iron Man II and Iron Fist say the lines “I’ve seen my share of bad times[…] but THIS– THIS might be the worst I’ve ever seen.” Okay, I simply cannot continue this blow by blow of a comic book losing its sense of purpose more with every issue. Let me just jump to my guess WHY.

Wha-?! Something is HAPPENING on a cover? Fire the copy editor! — IM 2.0 #6

I'll pretend that can is Iron Man and my pistol has a scope. VROOM! — IM 2.0 #4

IM 2.0 #5

I am about to do a shitty, shitty thing. People do this thing all the time without understanding how lousy it is. It’s a low blow, this thing. If I am wrong, I’ll have done a vile thing. I am going to accuse a creator of cashing a check. A BUNCH of creators. Everybody named so far. I have to believe that all of these guys took the assignment WANTING to make something great, BUT Marvel had these things they needed done, and those things beget worse things, and the artists saw the way the wind blew. And they saw that it blew. And they said, “fuck it.” And it was bad. That’s the only explanation I can glean for the depressing dearth of inspiration on display. And oh my god what about the covers?

One punch really IS thrown in this issue. — IM 2.0 #8

See the yellow near the bar code? All the flame behind him's shooting out his ass. — IM 2.0 #7 -Olivetti

One time at band camp I shoved Tony and my ghost up my ass. — IM 2.0 #7.1 WTF? ROTFLMAOBOWBH!

Salvador Larroca is credited on art for all of the covers, with Frank D’Armata given co-credit from issue 2 onward. Ariel Olivetti was omitted from credit as the actual cover artist for #7, and Marvel regretted that error. Look at those damned things. Can you imagine being 10 years old and trying to remember your favorite issue of Iron Man Junior (not likely, sure – this is purely a mental exercise,) and trying to recall its cover – which one of these generic 3/4 figure shots with Assistant Iron Man facing you was IT? Now, I’m quite fond of Salvador Larroca’s work on the interiors of Invincible Iron Man, but why the Hell didn’t he put any actual God damned IDEAS in any of these? Go back and look at that Spider-Man cover. Yeah, it’s unfair to compare ANYBODY to Marcos Martin, but shit, man, you are allowed to THINK about the cover before you start drawing it, aren’t you? These covers do not say ANYTHING. Why not draw one where he scratches his nuts? That would be new! Do some fucking thing I’ll remember! So. Iron Man 2.0 #9 is the winner of our first Boring Cover of the Week.

Can I see your license and registration please? — Iron Man 2.0 #8 by Larroca and D'Armata

But this series is the Albert Pujols of Bad Covers. So, since the rules are mine, I’m also electing the entire series to the Bad Cover Hall of Fame.

One should not aspire to be a drawer. One should aspire to be an artist.

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

New 52 Review: Teen Titans #1

nSandilands

October 3, 2011

I was super bummed when I heard about one of the casualties of the New 52 reboot, Tim Drake’s solo adventures as the Red Robin. Red Robin was a definitely underrated book, and had a great plot as Tim fell further and further down the Batman path. (Lonely, dark, brooding, suspicious of everyone.)

With the reboot, they de-aged Tim to maybe about 15-16 or so, and redid his costume as Red Robin to look just like Marvel’s the Falcon.

The book sets up the premise, that teen superheroes seem to be a menace, with a Kid Flash (who claims no relation or connection to Barry Allen) causing a backdraft and a major explosion, setting off the media. It flashes over to Tim Drake, who asks someone (Batman?) “Seriously what were you thinking?” as a clandestine organization called N.O.W.H.E.R.E. tries to recruit him to their operation. Drake of course refuses, and sets off an action sequence to escape which leads into him going off to recruit Wonder Girl to fight this mysterious organization. The issue ends with a reveal of a Clone *cough*Superboy*cough* that is being activated by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

The plot is serviceable , however, it all feels a little like a retread of the beginning of Civil War. Substitute Speedball for Kid Flash, and voila, we are in Connecticut. The art is average, and doesn’t feel special or notable. The plot needs some work, and hopefully as the issues go on we can get some more answers, and move beyond the Teen Superheroes are a Menace motif that the book seems to be running with so far. After three other reboots you think DC would finally get it right, it’s shortcomings are really noticeable especially when you compare it to Christos Gage run on Avengers Academy.

Story: 4/10

Art: 4/10

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

Review: Ultimate Comics All-New Spider-Man #2

nSandilands

October 3, 2011

Now that the hype has died down, and everyone knows that Ultimate Peter Parker is dead, and there is a new Ultimate Spidey, and his name is Miles Morales, lets take a look at this new title from Brian Michael Bendis. Bendis tends to be pretty expository and in this reboot he is no different. Stan Lee took 11 pages to tell the origin of Peter Parker, and Bendis so far is up to 2 issues, and we haven’t even seen Miles in costume or seems like we will see him in costume anytime soon (other than on the cover of course!)

The Good:

-Sarah Pichelli’s art is stunning, she is a stickler for detail, and the lush backgrounds and character emotions she draws are outstanding. Really excited to see where she takes her artwork as she continues to develop into one of the industries top talents.

-Growing the supporting cast with Miles friend Ganke and also fleshing out his relationship with his father. Important thing to remember when reading this book, Miles is an 8th grader. An 8th grader, Peter was at least in high school when he got his powers. It throws a whole different wrench into the storytelling, and that shows in his discussions with his friend Ganke, and also when he is discovering his powers, and the two different reactions they share.

-As far as his father, it is an interesting dynamic, his father has a big reveal, and perhaps hints at more, as Miles is starting to come to grips as a scared kid, when something happens to change his mind. The whole discussion felt like a rehash of “With Great Power, comes great responsibility.” I am intrigued as to where this familial plot is headed, if it’s familiar Uncle Ben territory and he has to move in with his Uncle Ultimate Prowler, or something else. Also, where is this mother we keep hearing about?

-The last page, and how it mirrors a last page of the original Ultimate Spider-Man series, and the two main characters very different reactions to their new found abilities.

The Bad:

-Did I mention how talky and slow the plot is? I know that from Bendis it is natural to expect it to be a wordy book, but seriously almost nothing happens. This issue could have been condensed into 5 pages. Seriously. He is going to have to kick it up a notch before everyone starts to lose interest.

-Invisibility powers? Seriously? Is he the Ultimate Spidey Chameleon? Lame.

Overall, mostly the book is good. Artwork good, story generally pretty good, but it is very slow moving. Something needs to start happening to move us into him wearing the costume, and fast. My only worry is that it’s going to be jumping too fast to make up for the pace of the first two issues.

Story: 6/10

Art: 9/10

The Comic Vault is the new PBS of the comic book industry.
If you like what we do, buy a digital comic book.
Thank you for your support.

The Comic Vault DC Comics Digital Store

The Comic Vault Digital Store

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

DC’s New 52: Lesser known titles you should add to your pull list

mDeVivo

October 2, 2011

Dc’s new 52 has been a shockingly successful experiment in my opinion at least after this first month. If you’re like me you have to pick and choose what comics you get each week . We all know Superman , Batman , Wonder Woman and Green Lantern are going to sell and the reboot has injected new life into each of those respective books. However there have been a few Comics and characters that belong at the top of your pull list along with the aforementioned Superheroes. I wanted to highlight a few of those titles below and give props to the creative teams that are making me giddy with excitement for issue #2.

Batwoman #1

Written by : J.H. Williams III & W. Haden Blackman

Art by: J.H. Williams III

Let me start by saying this was one of the books I was most excited about but also most worried about. Over a year ago Detective Comics handed itself over to writer Greg Rucka and artist J.H. Williams while Bruce Wayne was Traveling through time with identity issues . This lead to an amazing run on Detective Comics that helped set the tone and character for Batwoman rebooting with issue #1 . After much delay and a change in writers ( Greg Rucka left and handed over shared writing duties ) Batwoman is back again in a issue #1 and it is just as spectacular as it was a year ago.

Immediately J.H. Williams’ Art and Layouts will knock your socks off. He uses a painterly style with Batwoman and pencils and inks for her alter ego Kate Kane . The Layouts themselves are some of the most creative Ive ever seen . You can tell every panel is thought out and you could spend an hour on each page easily making this one of the most beautiful titles of the relaunch. Further more I’m impressed with the ease at which our writing team is able to drop you right into the story and still inform you of the characters interactions and back story . The plot is great, and the antagonists are perfectly creepy. A well timed argument towards the end of the issue catches you up on anything you may have missed over a year ago while also continuing to push the story forward with ease. This book is amazing and is firing on all cylinders and deserves your attention.

Best surprise of the new 52 launch so far

Animal Man #1

Writer: Jeff Lemire

Artist: Travel Foreman and Dan Green

Jeff Lemire uses a very ingenious way to bring us into the story, and catch us up on all things Animal Man by having us read an interview featuring our title character on the first page. What follows is a double page spread showing Buddy Baker settling into his new life as Father and family man. This is a very grounded book which is great for building tension in a book where no one feels “safe” . Buddy however has an itch to go back out on Patrol as Animal Man and things go from bad to worse by the end of the issue. The art is greatly detailed with nice muted colors and a dream sequence with which the artist uses ink wash with pops of red to really create a sense of anguish and dread. However its the cliff hanger at the end involving his daughter Maxine , who has a unique take on her fathers power that has me biting at my nails to check out the next issue.

Swamp Thing #1

Writer : Scott Snyder

Artist : Yanick Paquette

Scott Snyder, who has been on a roll recently with Batman and Detective Comics now flexes his writing muscles on the new Swamp Thing reboot. Right off the bat we are introduced to a future Metropolis with Superman noticing Dead birds falling from the sky and then we are quickly sent to the Bat cave where we see Batman puzzled as his pet bats scatter and fall all around him. Scott Snyder quickly chooses to bring us into Alec Hollands life as he is now working in construction giving up his life’s work as a scientist in the process. For fans wanting to get a taste of what Superman will look and sound like after he’s grown out of his T shirt and jeans phase , look no further. Superman and Alec Holland share a great moment together in the opening pages that touches on how important of a character he is to the DC Universe now. I especially like the stern and direct approach Alec takes with Superman . Also having Alec remember all of Swamp Things memories from his long storied past is a nice way to show us that there is going to be a symbiotic relationship again between the two characters in the near future.

Yanick Paquette does amazing things with foliage and dead animals in this book . Necks get twisted , creepy bugs fly into ears, and people die in horrible ways , this by no means is kid stuff. After this first issue I’m convinced he was the perfect choice for art duties. The immediate threat as gruesome and shocking as it is , borrows a bit from The Happening . Instead of their being creepy wind , we get creepy wind with an actual disgusting monster. Scott however manages to inject enough intrigue and despair at the end of the issue with Swamp Thing coming back to claim his host. I am counting the days for the next issue to see how all of these story threads play out.

Mike DeVivo

The Comic Vault is the new PBS of the comic book industry.
If you like what we do, buy a digital comic book.
Thank you for your support.

The Comic Vault DC Comics Digital Store

The Comic Vault Digital Store

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

Our Underwear #2 – It’s never too early to mail it in.

velousis

October 2, 2011

by John Velousis

It’s never too early to mail it in.

Part 1 – Fun with dead language

A few weeks back, just for shits and giggles, I decided to see if I could translate the Latin bits in Baltimore: The Curse Bells #2 (W: Mike Mignola & Christopher Golden, A: Ben Stenbeck.) I’ve never studied Latin, mind you, but you can sometimes figure it out if you think about English-language words with latin roots. To wit: “veri” means “truth”. If we know the meaning of the word “verissimilitude” – which means something like “accuracy as compared to reality” – we maybe can put together that the word parts are like so: “veri” = reality or actuality or truth, “simili” = like, or similar (duh!), “tude” = the act of being. Bored? Great! Anyhow, I did that and ended up with this handy-dandy translation:

So there ya go. I DID actually study German (“study” is a huge overstatement. I got straight D’s for 2 years.) That’s what the second page there is, German. Monsters speak latin, Satanists speak German. Makes sense to me.

Part 2 – Banging it out all day

Today is 24-Hour-Comic-Book Day, wherein aybody that cares to can try to write and draw a full 24-page comic in the space of one consecutive 24-hour period. I was going to try and do it myself and see if my writing speed made up for my complete inability to draw, but starting yesterday I caught a flu which is tearing the ass outta me as we speak. Maybe next year. I DID go so far as to think about what I might maybe do, subject-wise. It would DEFINITELY be a superhero comic – the limitation of genre thus imposed makes a challenge for the artist to surmount (which is why superhero comics are like Lars von Trier. Some people think superhero comics are like a real Lindsay Lohan sex tape, other people think that they’re like cynical attempts to grab hits from Google. Think what ya want, I can’t stop you – YET.) So, my superhero was to be called the Crotch Crunch Crusader. His logo would look something like this:

His thing, if you will, would be to punch bad-guys in the nuts. But, in an ironic twist, he never actually uses that move because villains are too busy protecting their junk, when he fights them, to properly protect their jaws and shins and what-not. Maybe there would be some kind of added irony where he swore not to actually use his finishing move out of respect for the vas defrens and its importance in the reproductive process; or, like, his parents were killed that way (adopted by two gay dads.) It now occurs to me that I didn’t have a plan for how he’d fight female villains – I suppose he’d delegate that to an assistant or something. Anyway, it’s all moot, not gonna do it now, but I figured, hey, why let that two minutes of thinking about it go to waste? Hence, the preceding. I hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice evening, now, and you kids actually MAKING their own 24-hour comix, lotsa luck to you. TTFN!

The Comic Vault is the new PBS of the comic book industry.
If you like what we do, buy a digital comic book.
Thank you for your support.

The Comic Vault DC Comics Digital Store

The Comic Vault Digital Store

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

Our Underwear #1 – Dance isn’t even an art form

velousis

October 1, 2011

Our Underwear #1
Column by John Velousis

Dance isn’t even an art form.
9/30/11
In this column, I’ll be reviewing Avengers Academy #19. First, though, I have to make some excuses.

Part 1: Hi!
Hello. To start with, I want you to know that I wish you well. By “you,” I mean YOU, the person reading these words that I’m writing right now, but will have long since written by the time you actually read them. I figure that if I let you know right away where you stand with me, you’ll know that I’m joking if I suggest that you might be a socially retarded schmuck, for example. Or I might maybe say that I’m going to stab you a hundred times in the face. I don’t think that I would do that, mind you, but I go where my muse takes me, and my muse is kind of a total prick. Also, I’m not real good with computers – like, for example, I’m pretty shaky on how to use the “Backspace” button. So, what I’m saying here is that it would be completely unfair to hold me liable – legally or morally – for any words or images “from” “me” that you might see here. It was an accident, or I was just joking, or it was my muse’s fault and you should blame him/her (my muse, Terpsichore, has both sets of genitals. Eww, right? S/he is WAY less hot than Olivia Newton-John was in Xanadu.)

Don't you blaspheme in here! — This miraculous vision appeared on a glass of beer that some douchebag friend of mine was drinking this one time. Its meaning is obvious: Jesus was actually killed by Godzilla.

Part 2: Obstruction
I kinda wanted my first column here to be a think-piece explaining why superhero comics are like Danish filmmaker Lars von Trier. Well, I wanted Barack Obama to be a liberal, and I didn’t get that either. I used to have such ambitious dreams. I used to think, “Some day, I’ll own all the poop, and people will have to pay me if they want poop.” But, you know, you grow older and get jaded. You realize that even if you could do it, they’d probably just figure out how to steal it, right?

Part 3: Am I going to start reviewing comics, or just sit here and keep playing with myself?
Both.

Avengers Academy #19

Golly, I do hope you’re reading Avengers Academy. Christos Gage has been consistently writing a fantastic character study of six characters that he himself created. As an aside, I bet Marvel doesn’t pay him one red cent extra for having invented Reptil, Finesse, Hazmat, Striker, Veil, and Mettle. Well, maybe co-created along with some illustrator whose name I’m too lazy to look up… As long as I’m running off the rails with asides and digressions, I should admit right up front that I care about the writers of comics WAY more than the people who draw them. (In this issue, Tom Raney made pencil drawings, then Scott Hanna traced over those in ink, and then Jeromy Cox put in a bunch of colors, probably using some sort of computer. Every one of them does a serviceable job, nobody embarrasses himself. I guess Cox stands out with the pretty-neato colors on the opening splash. I bet HE didn’t get paid extra for that, either. Oh, and the letterer can go fuck himself.) Good lord, what is the comic-blog-reading public supposed to do with digressions like THAT? I owe you all a big apology, but don’t hold your breath. So… yeah, Gage created these characters, and they’re good ones, and after he quits or gets fired, Marvel will pay somebody else to make, like, the miniseries “Striker: Shocking Truths!” and Gage will just have to go suck it. Bummer!

Camel? No. — Hazmat is disturbed when Striker gets a VERY ill-timed boner.

Anyhow, Gage has done a swell job making a series of characters whose reactions and personalities are well crafted and, you know, shit like that. Reptil, for example, is often comedy gold – he has been from his first appearance (in Avengers: The Initiative: Featuring: Reptil: The Boy Whose Powers Came From Colons), when he immediately asks Cloud 9 (evidently a famous super-heroine in the Marvel U at the time) if she’ll be his date to prom. He seems perhaps boring and straightlaced, but if you look deeper, you’ll find that he’s actually hilariously stupid. His deliriously senseless questions to Spider-Man in Amazing Just-Mentioned-Guy #661 are worth the four bucks just by themselves. Value, of course, is always relative. Like, if you’re a Mexican illegal immigrant stoop farmer making $1 an hour for your punishing toil, maybe it really isn’t worth the $3.99 (the penny actually MEANS something at that pay scale.) I await a wonderful discussion in the comments section with all of the Mexican stoop workers reading this blog. Sorry, no Guatemalans!

Mr. Gage (the writer, remember?) has also given us, in Striker, a character that has a problem I can relate to very much: he’s afraid to die. Like, really afraid. He thinks about dying, worries about dying, and talks about dying A LOT. Considering the fact that he’s a super-hero, this actually makes a shit-ton of sense. I’m sure that other super-heroes must have had this problem before, but this is the first time that I can recall. Well, I just wanna say that I think that’s pretty groovy.

As to the actual issue itself, it’s the conclusion of the Fear Itself arc wherein the Absorbing Man and Titania – power-upped and stupidly renamed as Skirn, Maker of Flan and Garygroth, Breaker of Balls, irrespectively – besiege the kids in the Infinite Avengers Mansion. The whole arc has been pretty solidly crafted, steadily pushing the stakes higher with each issue, and this issue’s plotting just ices the whole plot-cake with, like, some super-yummy cream-cheese frosting. Buttercream frosting is just fine for some cakes, but this comic is a carrot cake, and carrot cakes demand cream cheese frosting. ESPECIALLY when the cake is a metaphor!

So, Gage builds it up to a point and then BAM! He lands at a spot where the characters land at their only possible chance of saving a bajillion lives, which happens to involve GIVING UP THEIR OWN LIVES. Now, okay, it’s easy as hell to make characters you’re writing act bravely. For example:
John Velousis walked straight ahead as Matthew “Mr. Nazi Sadist Baby Rapist” Evilman shot at him. John felt the first bullet destroy his femur, the most painful bone a human could break, but he kept walking, for if he ran or zig-zagged, then the bomb would kill all of those babies on the bus to their first day of Baby School. Another bullet hit his left eye, then his right. Blind, he soldiered on through the pain, guided only by the stench of evil. Reaching Evilman, John snapped his neck with one mega-awesome move, before collapsing himself. As he died, he said to The Chief, bawling nearby, “It was time for Evilman to take… a break.”

See? Easy! But Gage makes it work by seeding the characters exactly just so, where the reader buys it. It’s a superb story moment, and it gets much closer to the notion of what heroism is than super-hero comics usually do. Big ups, Chris Gage, big ups. Buy it, damn you!

Writing: 9 / 10
Art: 7 / 10
Special teams: 8.5 / 10

PS The lettering here is done by VC’s Joe Caramagna, and I don’t really want him to go fuck himself. I have no problem with ANY of the Viet Cong, that conflict was a long time ago and the wounds have healed, with the obvious exception of any kind of wound that can’t actually heal.

The Comic Vault is the new PBS of the comic book industry.
If you like what we do, buy a digital comic book.
Thank you for your support.

The Comic Vault DC Comics Digital Store

The Comic Vault Digital Store

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

Review Double-Shot: Amazing Spider-Man #670 & Venom #7

Roger Riddell

September 30, 2011

Amazing Spider-Man #670
Writer: Dan Slott
Artist: Humberto Ramos

Venom #7
Writer: Rick Remender
Artist: Tom Fowler

Just when you thought event storylines were stale and overplayed, along came Dan Slott with “Spider-Island.” This Spidey-centric event has, along with the X-Men’s “Schism” storyline, thus far surpassed any of the past few Marvel-wide books — including the current Fear Itself.

But I’ll get to that in a moment.

If you’ve missed the prelude in Amazing Spider-Man #666 and the first three parts of the story that followed, Dr. Miles Warren, AKA the Jackal, returned and unleashed an epidemic of genetically-altered bed bugs upon the city of New York. Bites from these bugs gave just about everyone in NYC spider powers, not everyone used them responsibly, Peter became the not-so-spectacular Spider-Man in light of everyone else having these powers, and the Avengers and several other heroes were called in to help keep the problem at bay.

Part four of Spider-Island, Amazing Spider-Man #670 opens right where the previous issue left off. Spider-Man’s current girlfriend, crime scene detective Carlie Cooper, has transformed into a spider creature along with the rest of the infected New Yorkers. Poor Pete…Now that all of Manhattan are spider monsters, he has no idea who he’s punching.

Moments like this are where Slott’s grasp on the book’s characters really shines through, and Ramos captures the breadth of Pete’s desperation accordingly in a full-page panel of Spidey on his knees, apologizing in vain to Carlie and watching helplessly as a stampede of formerly-human spider monsters rushes away into the city. Slott further delivers with a one-liner-filled Spidey/J. Jonah Jameson team-up that few others could have pulled off as well outside of a “What If?” book.

Alas, the team is not meant to last, as Jonah succumbs to the “spider flu” and transforms into a monster himself after arriving at his command center. I can’t elaborate any further without revealing a major spoiler, but it’s hard to imagine Jonah being the same after this.

Something that has really stuck out with me about this story arc is the effort put in to making sure the tie-in books fit in well with the main story. They aren’t necessary to have the full experience of “Spider-Island,” but they add depth and Marvel’s Spider Office has gone to great lengths to make sure everyone knows where they fit in the larger story. In this issue alone, there are at least two notes letting readers know where the Spider-Island: Avengers one-shot and Venom #7 fit.

Speaking of Venom #7, it basically details Venom’s (who, if you haven’t been keeping up, is now Flash Thompson and property of the U.S. Government) side-adventure to bring Eddie Brock AKA Anti-Venom to Reed Richards at Horizon Labs so an antidote can be extracted using the Anti-Venom symbiote. Rick Remender, who also writes the masterful Uncanny X-Force, captures Flash’s desperation to keep Venom under control as he fights the alien’s former host — even going so far as to tease fans by making it seem as though Venom is about to take over Brock again. (Damn you, Remender!) Fowler perfectly captures the fear in Eddie’s eyes as this is happening.

To add a bit of extra drama, Flash must complete this job quick, as his estranged, abusive father is in the hospital on his death bed with mere hours to live. Again, Remender captures the added turmoil within Flash throughout the book.

Overall, these are both solid issues. Slott and Ramos continue to deliver the goods in Amazing Spider-Man, delivering one of the most fun events in recent memory (while using a villain nobody wanted to go near after the “Clone Saga” storyline of the mid-90s, no less). You can get the full Spider-Island experience without Venom, but Remender’s run on the series has breathed new life into the character, and Fowler’s art is icing on the cake. I could go on all day, but if I did that, you wouldn’t need to read the books.

ASM #670
Story: 9.5/10
Art: 9/10

Venom #7
Story: 8/10
Art: 9/10

The Comic Vault is the new PBS of the comic book industry.
If you like what we do, buy a digital comic book.
Thank you for your support.
The Comic Vault DC Comics Digital Store

The Comic Vault Digital Store

Monkeys Fighting Robots Youtube

1...1,686 1,6871,688Page 1,688 of 1,688