Jerry Lee Lewis is rock and rollin’ over in his grave right now…
To be a fly on the wall at Titan Towers… Like, seriously. I am really struggling to figure out just how World Wrestling Entertainment decided to name their July pay-per-view “Great Balls of Fire.”
For real though, who came up with this abomination? How did it pass through the board of directors of a publicly traded company? How did this go down?! Did someone lose a bet?My only guess is between bites of a tuna lettuce wrap Vince was listening to an old mix tape on his boom box and had an epiphany.
“Goodness gracious great balls of fire! God damn, that’s a great name pal!”
Here’s a shocker, the name has been unanimously panned by wrestling fans across the board. News of backlash is nothing new for WWE as their fans are some of the most critical in the universe (no pun intended I swear) However, the impossible took place last week when Braun Stroman injured himself. (No doubt being awesome, cause’ that’s how “The Stro” rolls.)
This development has thrown the impending main event of “Great Balls” into limbo. (I just couldn’t help myself) This injury news is especially disturbing because the planned main event of Brock Lesnar and Stroman would have been like watching a live-action version of Rampage. You know, before Dwayne actually makes that happen next year.
We all know when a door closes Vinny Mac opens a window of opportunity. Who should climb through it you ask? Well, allow me to pitch you my idea…
MIKEY’S BIG IDEA
Monday night on Raw commissioner Kurt Angle comes to the ring and announces that the red brand needs a number one contender to face Lesnar at “Balls of Fire.” This would bring Roman Reigns to the ring to a cascade of boos.
Of course, because after all, this is now his yard, The Big Dog would lay claim to being number one contender, until the lights went out and Finn Bálor would stroll to the ring. Bálor would reiterate the fact that he was never defeated for the Universal Championship and boast he already holds a victory over Reigns.
Seth Rollins would limp his way out from the back because he is still selling that knee injury from WrestleMania season. While I applaud Rollins for continuing the charade longer than necessary, isn’t it time to let the frickin’ guy walk correctly? After all, the injury is really starting to affect Rollins’ in-ring work.
Cross Fit Jesus would do his thing on the mic before the lights go out again and Bray Wyatt appears in the ring. Wyatt rambles because that’s what Bray does better than anyone in the world at this point besides this dude.
Dean Ambrose would interrupt Wyatt, or better yet just stumble out and confess that he just felt pretty board in the back all alone by himself, but he’d also like another shot at Lesnar.
Finally, The Miz would make his way to the ring with his beautiful wife Maryse in tow. The A-Lister would remind Angle that all of these gentlemen have received title shots in the past year, but he has not. SmackDown, as terrible as it is, was at least the land of opportunity.
Kurt would cut Miz off and state that everyone in the ring has a legitimate claim to the match at Balls. Which is why live on Monday, June 5th from the Mohegan Sun Arena in Angles home state of Pennsylvania, THE KING OF THE RING will be returning!
THE KING OF THE RING YOU SAY!?
Yes, King of the Ring, the one-night tournament where 8 WWE superstars compete for the rights of being crowned sports-entertainment royalty. With no clear front-runner for the title shot, a tournament would be a perfect scenario.
First off, the announcement would automatically offer an opportunity to promote this gigantic event weeks in advance. Also, the structure of a tournament would allow WWE to set up and execute feuds leading into the “Balls” pay-per-view.
My pick to win: THE MIZ
Think about it! Miz ends up sneaking by someone like Apollo Crews in the first round. In the second round, against his old foe Dean Ambrose, Bray Wyatt would interfere and cost “the lunatic fringe” his shot at royalty. This would lead to a date with Roman Reigns in the finals and loads of groans from the WWE Universe. The set up would be so obvious, as Reigns would overcome the odds and earn a chance at redemption against Brock.
Only, a funny thing will happen on the way to the great ball show. Instead of Reigns overcoming interference from Maryse (and maybe a vengeful Cesaro?) Braun Stroman manages to screw Roman one last time.
The Miz versus Brock on paper seems like an odd match-up, sure, but think about the build they can do. This match would guarantee at least three solid face-offs between The A-Lister and Paul Heyman on Raw, and that potential verbal joust has me very giddy. However, the most important piece of this great fiery ball pie is the inevitable outcome.
Brock Lesnar is going to squash whoever WWE decides to throw in his way. Accept this fact, because there is no wiggling out of Brock dominating all the way to Mania in New Orleans. Miz offers Brock a way to get some cheers from the fans before potential clashes with Stroman or Wyatt, and gives Miz a main event rub he seriously deserves. A tasty win/win for WWE with no wasted talent side dish.
Not to mention, we get to watch Miz walk around with a crown for the next six months…
ALL HAIL KING MIZ!
What do you think of my harebrained scheme? Should WWE bring back King of The Ring? Who should win the tournament? How awesome of a nickname is “The Stro”? Leave all questions and comments below, and don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @themikeycuralli!