Transformers vs. Jurassic Park: The Cinematic Universe No One Asked For

It began as a joke between us writers here at Monkeys Fighting Robots, and now it’s an article for our readers to enjoy. Essentially, this is an epic movie pitch for a crossover 65 million years and a few thousand light years in the making. What if … Transformers and Jurassic Park were a cinematic universe!

It’s a cinematic crossover destined for under 15% on Rotten Tomatoes but gazillions at the box office. Yes, this would take some incredible negotiations between Paramount, Dreamworks, and Universal. Blah, blah, this is fantasy people! In this world, the deal is perfect for both sides, and the budget is unlimited.

Tagline: A war 65 million years and light years in the making!

The world is in turmoil. While the Transformers continued to ravage the planet in their never-ending war, the dinos of Jurassic Park, tampered by genetic engineering, are breeding faster, bigger, and more dangerous. Now, humanity is caught in the midst of a war between monsters and machines.

Mark Wahlberg’s Cade Yeager is now a bioengineer for an unnamed secret government agency that’s run by a “Dude-esque” Jeff Bridges. Debates rage within the agency about using a nanobot virus that will kill the machines and the Super-Saurs. After a deadly and epic battle between Dinos and a motley crew of robots, kills millions, the go-ahead is given to extinguish the Transformers and Super-Saurs with the virus.

Mark Wahlberg is charged with delivering the virus to another base where it can be delivered into the atmosphere. Leading the convoy is Josh Duhamel’s Lennox, and Megan Fox who we learn has been fighting around the world all this time, but AS Megan Fox. Even her character in the original film was a cover.

After a night of some really bad dialogue, and trying to make Fox and Wahlberg an item, the convoy is attacked by a squad of raptors led by Chris Pratt’s Owen Grady who is wearing armor made of wrecked technology. Pratt’s Raptors steal the virus, and a chase begins. After 20 minutes of ‘splosions, a third party interrupts — It’s Bumblebee and a mysterious, bearded driver. Bumblebee steals the virus and escapes.

Separated from Duhamel and Fox, Wahlberg befriends Pratt and his raptors because, why not? The new team heads off on the trail of Bumblebee.

Meanwhile, Duhamel and Fox are making passionate love inside the convoy truck when they are crushed by the foot of Optimus Prime. The robot grins then shouts “Come out, come out!” Super-Dominus, the dinosaur supreme leader, leaps out, and the pair begins a 20-minute fight scene that has no connection to the current plot. This battle scene tho, watch out, it destroys Los Angeles before the two massive combatants fight into the ocean and disappear beneath the surface.

Wahlberg and Pratt have a sloppy debate about genocide that makes not-so-subtle allusions to Native Americans or Nazi Germany. Pratt wants to destroy the virus, but all Wahlberg can say is …

Wahlberg and Pratt find Bumblebee who is prepared to destroy the virus with his mysterious friend … Sam Witwicky! Shia LaBeouf returns, now as the leader of a renegade group of humans, machines, and beasts. But his only line of dialogue throughout the film is “Do it!” Sam and Bumblebee want to destroy the virus and bring peace to all species. Wahlberg and Pratt agree, but the virus is stolen again, this time by a traitor human — Dennis Nedry (a CG-ed Wayne Knight) who never died way back in the original Jurassic Park.

Nedry escapes, and a new chase begins across the country. The next 45 minutes of the movie is an action sequence that takes us all the way to China. Nedry is about to unleash the virus on the coast of Hong Kong when Optimus and Super-Dominus explode out of the water. They’re both beaten up by an undersea fight that took them across the Pacific. Optimus and Super-Dom land, crushing Nedry and destroying the virus.

Super-Dominus calls forth an army of dinosaurs while Optimus summons a team of transformers, both Deceptions and Autobot. At the same time, the secret agency appears with their battle cry “Yo, Joe!” Jeff Bridges, now revealed to be General Hawk, descends with the might of the greatest American (and multi-culture, because diversity) heroes! An epic battle ensues that takes up the final third of the 3+ hour film. And in an avant-garde bit of cinematic magic, Michael Bay never ends the last fight. He only rolls credits over CG-chaos and eventually, after another 30 minutes, the film just fades to black.

The End.

Stay for a few moments longer to watch the stinger … In the middle of a deserted highway, a brilliant portal opens. Two race cars from the future speed through the large passage and come to a screeching halt. Moving in, we see that it’s Vin Diesel and The Rock!

Ruben Diaz
Ruben Diaz
Writer, film-fanatic, geek, gamer, info junkie & consummate Devil's advocate who has been fascinated by Earth since 1976. Classically trained in the ways of the future.