Monkeys Fighting Robots

The Greatest Threat to Television Since the Internet

There’s so much outrage in the news these days that it can be overwhelming.  When it comes to TV and movies, a lot of the uproar is overblown and manufactured to increase viewership or ticket sales.  However, there is one outrage that hasn’t been getting enough attention: People are remaking Magnum P.I. and Magnum has no mustache!
When I first heard about the reboot, I saw a press photo of the new Magnum.  Hawaiian shirt – check.  Detroit Tigers cap – double check.  Only, something was off.  Something was missing.  Something was so wrong – so horrifyingly, world-shakingly wrong – that I felt sick looking at it before I even comphrended what the problem was.  So audacious was this omission that it took my traumatized brain a few moments to realize what it was: the new Magnum doesn’t have a mustache!
Mustache-Free Magnum
More like Magnum, P.U.
As you no doubt remember the original Magnum P.I. (CBS, 1980-1988) was a show about a detective named Thomas Magnum living in Hawaii.  It starred John Hillerman, Roger Mosley, Larry Manetti, and – most importantly – Tom Selleck’s mustache.  I mean, just look at this majestic soup strainer:
Magnum PI Tom Selleck
If this can’t solve your Hawaiian mystery, it ain’t gettin’ solved.
Now, I tried to give CBS the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe there was an explanation I was missing.  Maybe Jay Hernandez (the actor playing Magnum in the reboot) can’t grow a proper ‘stache.  We can’t hold that against him, some people got it and some don’t.  This explanation didn’t hold up, though.  Refer again to the top photo: on closer inspection, the stubble on his upper lip appears to be capable of growing a serviceable, if not legendary, push broom.  Maybe even a handlebar if given enough time.  The thing is, even if he can’t (and again – we can’t punish the man for something beyond his control), surely CBS has the production facilities for a great upper lip hairpiece?  I mean, this isn’t like the Mission Impossible and Henry Cavill situation, they’re not shooting this thing for IMAX.  They can get away with a fake and viewers may not even notice.  Hell, Groucho did it for years.


This baby was painted on the whole time, suckers.

There Are Always Options

Another thing: Tom Selleck works for CBS (on Blue Bloods) – surely he’d be a willing mustache donor.  As majestic as his mustache is, I assume he can shave in the morning and the ‘stache will be back in fighting form by noon.  Starting with the trimmings, the makeup and special effects crews should be able to fashion a prosthetic that Hernandez can wear for the first season.  Reshoots can be costly, but ask yourself, what is the cost of destroying a legacy?  The show doesn’t debut until September 24.  That leaves you about three weeks.  All the Money in the World swapped in Christopher Plummer in nine days.
If that’s not an option, it may be time to turn to CGI, here’s a quick mock-up:
New Magnum w mustahce added
Now you’ll have a lock on the coveted “uncle” and “hipster” demographics
Boom.  It took me 10 seconds and I don’t have any graphic design background.

Together, We Can Make the World a Better Place – for Mustaches

If this heinous oversight isn’t corrected immediately, my only choice will be to organize a full-scale protest against CBS, utilizing some of the most famous mustachioed folks from history.  I’ll call on Burt Reynolds, Jason Lee, and the ghosts of Charlie Chaplin and Salvador Dalí to unite and help rectify this great injustice.  All funds raised will be used to provide mustaches – free of charge – to children all over the world that suffer from a debilitating lack of lack of facial hair.  Together, we can make the world a hairier place.
Rollie Fingers, Fu Manchu, Dr. Strange – who’s got your (second) favorite celebrity ‘stache?  Let us know in the comments. 
Josh is a writer and a lover of The Simpsons, Monty Python, The State, Breaking Bad, Arrested Development, and Preacher. He spends probably too much time reading and has lately been attempting to eat the occasional vegetable, with limited success.